On Farting, Flatulence and Making Cheese

Gas. Everyone has it. In fact, we poot 1-4 pints of gas (called flatus) on an average of 14 times a day!

What causes it? We eat, drink, and swallow small amounts of air which can either be released through belching or, if it goes through the entire system, farting.

As Colin Powell will tell you though, flatus isn't JUST about the intake of air. Hence the term, "Silent but deadly." In addition to ingested air, the bacteria in our lower intestine LOVE to break down certain carbohydrates found in foods. This breakdown creates a combination of byproducts such as hydrogen, methane and sulfur! (The stinky egg smell that brings tears to your eyes.) These gasses build up in our lower intestine and rectum until thar she blows.

Incidentally flatus, only it's not called flatus, is what forms the holes in swiss cheese. To make swiss cheese, bacteria are introduced into a milk/enzyme slushie and incubated at body temperature. As the cheese forms, bacteria eat the lactose (a type of sugar) in the milk and produce gas. This gas gets trapped and makes holey cheese! Fondue anyone?

...and you wonder why they call it, "Cutting the cheese..."

More farting facts:

1. The "fart" you hear from ripping one is caused by (and I quote from Wikipedia) "vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks." So instead of clenching to hold the gas in, unclench and let your flatus go! If it's silent, maybe someone else will get the blame.

2. One third of the human population actually produces methane in their flatus. How do you know if your among the lucky 33.3%? Your feces floats!

3. Flatus odor varies depending on a person's unique bacterial mix in their lower intestine, and on what they ate. Take broccoli for instance. In some people, it's a harmless vegetable. To others, it becomes a deadly biological weapon of war and mass destruction. Broccoli + Fluffy = Destroyer of Worlds.

4. Bacteria love carbohydrates like fiber and sugar (found in beans, legumes and fruits). Eat a low carb diet high in fat and protein, and chances are that your gasage will significantly decrease.

5. Beano is an enzyme product you can buy over the counter to silence one's chuff. It works by breaking down raffinose, a sugar found in beans, before it gets to the gas-producing microbes in your lower intestine. Go Biotech!

6. Can you light a fart? I have no idea! But when I lived in an apartment with four guys in college, it helped to keep a box of matches in the bathroom. Believe it or not, it's more effective than an air freshener after a post poop experience.

7. Herrings communicate with each other by farting at night. Fish fart?! Yup! Check it out!

8. Want more? How about a Farting Blog!

9. Run out of fun vocabulary for describing one's toot? Go to the Unabridged Dictionary of Fart Slang." There you'll find ways to colorfully describe your natural passage of gas. My favorite? ASSASSINATION! Get it? :D

Fine, I'll stop writing before my samurai takes away the keyboard...

Toot away my biological brethren!