Varying Degrees of Irritation

I wrote this blog sitting in the middle of an airport waiting for my connecting flight…and started cracking myself up. I’m just kind of goofy that way. As an exercise in creativity, I added varying degrees of irritation that could make a situation worse (some of these things have happened to me, and some have not). This list is not in any means listed in order of preference.
Unfortunately, I haven't quite mastered the html for outlining yet, so please bear with me on the formatting. Enjoy!


1. Toilet paper that breaks up into thumb-sized bits when you try to unroll it
a. Having NO toilet paper – when you really need it…and there’s nothing else within easy reach to wipe with.

2. Wet doorknobs.
a. Wet doorknobs in a public place.
i. …like a bathroom with no toilet paper, seat protectors or paper towels

3. You feel a tickle like something is on your leg. When you reach down to scratch and it crunches and squishes.
a. …and has a lot of little legs.
i. …at least EIGHT of them.
1. …and it bites.

4. People who stare at you. Dammit. I don’t exist! STOP STARING!
a. People who stare at you, then say things like “hey baby,” or, “wuzzup” or “can I take you home?”
i. People who stare at you, try to give you a pickup line, and are old shriveled white men.
1. People who think that just because you’re a small Asian woman, it’s okay to stare, give you a pick up line, and think you’re a little nympho who likes to get it on with old white men.
b. Men who seem to have so much difficulty reading the one or two words that are written across your T-shirt. Hint: Try sounding it out.

5. People who don't understand personal space. –Being from California, I've discovered that my personal space radius is about two inches longer than the average East Coaster.
a. …a person who's personal space is right where you’re standing, and they constantly remind you of this by either hitting you with their bags, bellies, boobs or other body parts. *shudders*
b. …and have bad breath
i. …and body odor
1. … who try to cover their body odor by slathering on copious amounts of perfume or musk, creating toxic vapors able to peel the paint off the walls.
a. …who smoke
i. …and have just gotten out of the rain.

6. Getting carded for taking a cheese sample in a grocery store. ("Excuse me, but are you 18?" *stern look from Mrs. Sample lady with the wrinkly mouth shaped like a dog anus*)
a. Getting carded…for taking a Tylenol sample.
i. …at Wallmart

7. Children from the booth next to you who turn and either make faces, talk to you, or play with your hair while you’re eating and trying to have a conversation at a restaurant.
a. Children who peak under the toilet stalls while you’re taking a pee

8. Drivers who drive below the speed limit, or who can’t see
a. All the above, and are trying to read a map because they’re lost
i. …and talking on the cell phone to get directions.
1. ...then suddenly slam their breaks stop in the middle of the road because they missed their intersection.

9. Cats who sleep on your face, or rub up against you…constantly… like you’re a walking piece of catnip (I’m allergic)…
a. …that drool and chew on your hair.
i. …then pukes or "scents" your belongings with cat pee.

10. Doggie poo in the most unexpected and random places

11. Waking up and finding that your pet python has escaped its cage and is now curled up next to you for warmth.

12. The ferret that chews a hole in your dresser drawer and is now nesting in your underwear.

13. People on the airplane who get sick and vomit in front of you. No matter HOW much Dramamine I’m on… it just does it to me every time.
a. People with EXPLOSIVE vomit on the plane that sit next to you.
i. The smell that lingers
1. …in your hair

14. Dogs that are twice as large as I am who jump up and squish me.
a. Ankle biters
i. Crotch sniffers. Wrong time, wrong place, and wrong species.

15. Baggers in the grocery store who have to look at what you’re buying and comment on it. Just because I’m buying cucumbers, carrots, bananas, and other assorted produce that’s over 4 inches long doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making vegetable soup and fruit salad.
a. Guys that hit you (literally) with their shopping cart thinking that it’s a great pickup line and that you’ll be instantly attracted to them due to their affinity for creating road kill.
i. …they start talking about your vegetables

16. People who stare at your mouth constantly when you talk to them, yet don’t have the decency to tell you that there’s some bit of food stuck in your teeth.

17. Stores that put the smallest-sized clothes on the top shelf, right out of reach from your outstretched fingers

18. The Styrofoam container that constantly squeaks when you drive because it’s rubbing up against something, and it’s in the back seat where you can’t reach it.

19. Peeing in the woods…looking up…and seeing that people on the trail behind you are watching as you pee in the woods.
a. Having poison oak brush against you as you pee in the woods

20. When you sit at a traffic light and the person in the car next to you is picking their nose
a. When the kid in the car next to you picks their nose…and eats the booger.

21. Gorillas who throw their poo at you.