Saturday, January 31, 2009

Pet Rocks

My first introduction to the pet rock was in preschool. We sat in a little circle surrounding several pet rocks set out on the floor. Our teacher told us that if we were very quiet and good, the rocks would move.

All of us remained motionless for an extremely long time, maybe even for an entire thirty seconds. Suddenly this little girl across from me yells, "Hey! I saw that one move!" Soon, the whole class is in an uproar over seeing the moving rocks. Being the little naive kid that I was, I didn't see a single one move. I squinted. I stood still. I stared. Yet despite my best efforts, the rocks didn't move for me. Naturally, not wanting to be left out, I succumbed to peer pressure and chimed in, exclaiming very proudly about the rock right in front of me moving. Deep inside though, I was hurt that the rocks did not love me.

To this day, I still have dreams about being in that darkened room with the other kids. Only in my dreams, the rocks dance around the room and talk. >.>

Pet rocks come with very simple care and maintenance instructions. No need to feed them, and they are born already potty trained. Commands such as "sit" and "stay" are almost instinctive, and with very little effort, you can even train them to attack.

I keep mine next to my vase-shaped bonsai kitty. Although they aren't the same species, at least little Puss 'n Vase doesn't get too lonely when I'm at work.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Rumor Bustin'


Two nasty biological rumors that I want to clarify and set aside for the general benefit of mankind:

1. Being cold will make you catch a cold.

My mother still believes this. However, you can't catch a cold unless you have a virus first! No virus = no cold. Why is it that we get more colds in the winter? For one, school is in session, and unfortunately, classrooms are a virtual cesspool for spreading diseases. Also, people tend to stay indoors where the likely hood of contact with an infectious person increases.

Bottom line: You have a higher chance of catching a cold by licking a doorknob than being outside in zero degree weather with just your skivvies on.

2. Cloning is bad because Hitler will be reborn and take over the world.

Psht! First of all, clones are genetically identical. That's it. Identical twins are clones. The cells in your body are clones. Did you know that your eye cell, your bone cell, and your nerve cells are clones? They have (hopefully) the same genetic makeup, do they not? But do they look alike? Nope!

Just because an individual has the same genetic makeup as another individual doesn't mean they will be or act the same. Hitler's clone could grow to be the world's greatest figure skater for all we know!

Also, this rumor that we mad, evil scientists are making clones of each other in the lab so that we can rip out their organs for medical research? ...not happening. Here's why:

a. Remember Dolly the cloned sheep? It took 227 surrogate ewes (female sheep) in order to produce one successful Dolly. Last I checked, we don't have that many human women willing to do something like that.

b. By the time the clone reaches an age where its organs would be "ripe" for harvesting, you will either be dead already, or too old to care.

c. Your clone, being a complete, sentient individual with human rights like you, will probably protest.

d. It's illegal.

Incidentally, we eat cloned cattle all the time. Plants...MOST plants that we eat are now produced from clones (been doing it since forever). In fact, most bananas are genetically identical!

Can you clone your cat? Well, yes. In 2001, CC (stands for Copy Cat) was the first cloned cat produced by Genetic Savings and Clone. Unfortunately, the company went belly up in 2006. Is it possible that we'll have another pet cloning service in the future?
ABSOLUTELY!

Maybe after the recession picks up though... >.>

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

One more pet peeve.... Revenge of the Office Ninja!


Don't you hate it when people go through your paperclips and daisy chain them together? *growls*

It adds to job-related stress, and ninja flip outs.

Hint: Always have a stapler and staple remover handy in case of ninja attacks. Ninjas like shiny objects and will be distracted as you attempt to extend your life for several more seconds...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Varying Degrees of Irritation


I wrote this blog sitting in the middle of an airport waiting for my connecting flight…and started cracking myself up. I’m just kind of goofy that way. As an exercise in creativity, I added varying degrees of irritation that could make a situation worse (some of these things have happened to me, and some have not). This list is not in any means listed in order of preference.
Unfortunately, I haven't quite mastered the html for outlining yet, so please bear with me on the formatting. Enjoy!


1. Toilet paper that breaks up into thumb-sized bits when you try to unroll it
a. Having NO toilet paper – when you really need it…and there’s nothing else within easy reach to wipe with.

2. Wet doorknobs.
a. Wet doorknobs in a public place.
i. …like a bathroom with no toilet paper, seat protectors or paper towels

3. You feel a tickle like something is on your leg. When you reach down to scratch and it crunches and squishes.
a. …and has a lot of little legs.
i. …at least EIGHT of them.
1. …and it bites.

4. People who stare at you. Dammit. I don’t exist! STOP STARING!
a. People who stare at you, then say things like “hey baby,” or, “wuzzup” or “can I take you home?”
i. People who stare at you, try to give you a pickup line, and are old shriveled white men.
1. People who think that just because you’re a small Asian woman, it’s okay to stare, give you a pick up line, and think you’re a little nympho who likes to get it on with old white men.
b. Men who seem to have so much difficulty reading the one or two words that are written across your T-shirt. Hint: Try sounding it out.

5. People who don't understand personal space. –Being from California, I've discovered that my personal space radius is about two inches longer than the average East Coaster.
a. …a person who's personal space is right where you’re standing, and they constantly remind you of this by either hitting you with their bags, bellies, boobs or other body parts. *shudders*
b. …and have bad breath
i. …and body odor
1. … who try to cover their body odor by slathering on copious amounts of perfume or musk, creating toxic vapors able to peel the paint off the walls.
a. …who smoke
i. …and have just gotten out of the rain.

6. Getting carded for taking a cheese sample in a grocery store. ("Excuse me, but are you 18?" *stern look from Mrs. Sample lady with the wrinkly mouth shaped like a dog anus*)
a. Getting carded…for taking a Tylenol sample.
i. …at Wallmart

7. Children from the booth next to you who turn and either make faces, talk to you, or play with your hair while you’re eating and trying to have a conversation at a restaurant.
a. Children who peak under the toilet stalls while you’re taking a pee

8. Drivers who drive below the speed limit, or who can’t see
a. All the above, and are trying to read a map because they’re lost
i. …and talking on the cell phone to get directions.
1. ...then suddenly slam their breaks stop in the middle of the road because they missed their intersection.

9. Cats who sleep on your face, or rub up against you…constantly… like you’re a walking piece of catnip (I’m allergic)…
a. …that drool and chew on your hair.
i. …then pukes or "scents" your belongings with cat pee.

10. Doggie poo in the most unexpected and random places

11. Waking up and finding that your pet python has escaped its cage and is now curled up next to you for warmth.

12. The ferret that chews a hole in your dresser drawer and is now nesting in your underwear.

13. People on the airplane who get sick and vomit in front of you. No matter HOW much Dramamine I’m on… it just does it to me every time.
a. People with EXPLOSIVE vomit on the plane that sit next to you.
i. The smell that lingers
1. …in your hair

14. Dogs that are twice as large as I am who jump up and squish me.
a. Ankle biters
i. Crotch sniffers. Wrong time, wrong place, and wrong species.

15. Baggers in the grocery store who have to look at what you’re buying and comment on it. Just because I’m buying cucumbers, carrots, bananas, and other assorted produce that’s over 4 inches long doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making vegetable soup and fruit salad.
a. Guys that hit you (literally) with their shopping cart thinking that it’s a great pickup line and that you’ll be instantly attracted to them due to their affinity for creating road kill.
i. …they start talking about your vegetables

16. People who stare at your mouth constantly when you talk to them, yet don’t have the decency to tell you that there’s some bit of food stuck in your teeth.

17. Stores that put the smallest-sized clothes on the top shelf, right out of reach from your outstretched fingers

18. The Styrofoam container that constantly squeaks when you drive because it’s rubbing up against something, and it’s in the back seat where you can’t reach it.

19. Peeing in the woods…looking up…and seeing that people on the trail behind you are watching as you pee in the woods.
a. Having poison oak brush against you as you pee in the woods

20. When you sit at a traffic light and the person in the car next to you is picking their nose
a. When the kid in the car next to you picks their nose…and eats the booger.

21. Gorillas who throw their poo at you.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Tet - Celebration of the Vietnamese New Year


It must be an east coast thing, but everyone I run into calls it "Chinese" New Year here. HeellLLOOo! The Chinese aren't the only ones that celebrate! The more "PC" term would be "Asian New Year," since most East Asian cultures celebrate.

In Vietnam, we call it Tet, and this is the year of the Water Buffalo. There's a custom in Vietnam, which says that what you do today sets the tone for the rest of the year. So. With that said, I've used my stress ball, practiced my breathing techniques, and been a very, very good girl! ^.^ No tylenol or medications, plus only ONE cup of coffee. See? Way better than those resolutions, right?

Err... I'd go into details about water buffalo years, but I don't believe in horoscopes. Ironic since I personally am a classic tiger, and my grandfather made astrological charts on his grandchildren (which were eerily true...). ^.^

Chug Mung Nam Moi Everybody!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

One of those days...

Instead of rocks, I've hit asphalt!

I guess that's the problem with getting too comfortable in your field. When it comes to breaking into new territory, you sometimes forget how hard it was to dig the first time.

Picture is from the I Has a Hotdog site.

Friday, January 23, 2009

My Diet Coke and Mentos Habit

Science: Taking ordinary things and making them extremely volatile and dangerous. You gotta love it! ^.^



Enjoy!

(You should see what we can do with a bottle of draino!)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Indomitable Spirit - Chipping Away at Rocks

I had the pleasure of working for one tough, VERY tough lady. She came from the philosophy that you must break your employees down, then rebuild them into the people you want them to be. On my last day working for her, she said that she had finally gotten the "mediocrity" out of me. Wow. ^.^ I'm not mediocre!!!

She also gave me advice about rocks. There are times, she said, when you dig into the ground, and the soil is really loose and easy to work with. Then your shovel will hit a rock. If it's a small rock, you can dig it out. If it's a large rock you can find ways to dig around it. But sometimes, you're going to hit one freaking fat boulder that won't budge, and instead of going around, you MUST go through.

Failure is not an option.

So. What do you do?
She told me that the difference between successful people and mediocre people is that you never let the boulders impede your progress. Although the boulder is in your way, find other things you can do to press forward. Push other rocks... dig in a different direction.

Every day, test the boulder. It still may not budge, but chip at it. Move it. Smack it at a different angle. Maybe today it won't move. That's okay. Push the other rocks in your path while you find a solution to move your boulder. One day, it's going to move. One day, as you push the other rocks, you'll find that stick of dynamite to blow that sucker way the heck outa Dodge!!! As long as you work on the boulder a little bit at a time, eventually it'll happen.

Until that day happens, you will have still moved a ton of dirt and rocks while you wait. THAT'S progress. ^.^

-One other thing I wanted to point out. Remember that point about the difference between successful people and mediocre people? If there's a difference, than success has nothing to do with luck. It means you have to find out what that difference is...and NOT be mediocre.

Indomitable spirit. Ala bedrock.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Collectable Bonsai Kitties


From the ancient Asian* fusion of Chinese foot binding and Japanese Bonsai comes the Bonsai Kitten!.**

(Note: No kittens were harmed in the writing of this description)

The concept:
1. Inject kitten with muscle relaxants then shove into a glass container using a shoe horn. Container has been pre-drilled with air holes, feeding hole and "excretion" hole.

2. Place feeding tube in kitten's mouth and feed with a nutrient slurry containing decalcification agents to allow its bones to re-ossify into the shape of the container.

3. Seal kitten anus with superglue and insert a waste tube into the waste hole. The kitten will then develop a "natural rectal diverticulum" around the tube as it grows. Attach other end of tube to a colostomy bag.

4. Once kitten has grown to maturity, break container. Voila! Vase-shaped kitten!

You can also have a cylinder, rectangle, conic cylinder, or even...dog shaped kitties!

Personally? I opt for a square-shaped chinchilla. They're much softer, and their teeny little paws are just sooo cyuuute!




*I shudder when someone uses the term "Oriental" unless it refers to a rug - another blog at another time
**Please tell me you're not buying this. Please? Otherwise can I refer you to the aluminum foil deflector beenie blog, too?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Democracy Among the Microbes

In light of today's historical events, I decided to NOT talk about our new president. I figure there's a lot of other bloggers out there that can do a way better job of it than I can! So instead, I shall talk about democracy of a different kind: quorum sensing.

In a nutshell, quorum sensing is how certain bacterial communities determine when to do something once they reach a particular population density. What they "do" depends on bacterial species and where that particular species is growing.

For example, see that picture of glowing green bacteria? These bacteria, found in squid eyes, are called Vibrio fischeri. At populations of less than 10^11, (that's a 1 with 11 zeros behind it), they don't glow. However, when they reach populations of over 100,000,000,000 cells, we get glow!!!

Bacteria also use quorum sensing to secret toxins that stop the growth of other bacteria. -Or to orchestrate an effort to suddenly overthrow a host's immune system and give it a bad case of pneumonia! Muhuhahahaaa!

In any case, quorum sensing allows bacteria to not only sense how many other bacterial cells are out there, but it also directs a large population of bacteria into doing something that, in small numbers, would be impossible to do.

How is it done? Err... that would be a topic for another day.

Quorum sensing - committees that actually work!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Mr. Peanut Gets Revenge



I threw away the peanut butter sandwich crackers in my cupboard today. Until the FDA clears it, peanut butter or peanut buttery type products are not safe to eat. This includes cookies, crackers, candy and ice cream. Why? Salmonella typhimerium contamination. In other words, Salmonella!

I've been following this outbreak for the past few weeks now. According to the article from the Centers for Disease Control (located in Maryland, btw), the outbreaks originated from peanut butter produced by the Peanut Corporation of America processing plant in Blakely, GA.

My question? You get Salmonella by eating foods contaminated with animal poop. HOW DID IT GET INTO THE PEANUT BUTTER?! o.O

In case you get hit by the Salmonella bug, or any other diarrheal bug for that matter, here's what you need to do:

1. Let it run baby, let it run!
Diarrhea and vomiting are GREAT ways for your body to get rid of the bugs that caused the problem. By taking medicines to stop the diarrhea, you are really prolonging the agony, so to speak.

2. Drink LOTS and LOTS of water, or preferrably, gatoraid, sodas or drinks with electrolytes.
Without getting into too much gory detail (although I could), your intestines are not absorbing the water that your body needs when you have diarrhea. It puts you at risk for severe dehydration and electrolytic imbalance. To make sure that you are getting enough liquids, keep drinking. What's more, keep drinking stuff that has sugar and salt. PEDIALYTE! AVOID milk and diet drinks. You don't need to worry about calorie counting right now!

3. KISS - Keep it simple, silly! Meaning, stick to a very simple, low fat, low milk diet.
I like the BRAT diet because it's easy to remember: Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. -No reason you can't also throw in a bowl of low fat chicken soup, or Vietnamese pho, mind you...

4. Practice anti-socialism.
Wash your hands and stay home from work or school until you are no longer an infectious walking bag of germs. PLEASE.

Take it easy for a few days. If it's Salmonellosis, down time is about 5-7 days.

See a doctor if you don't improve in a few days, have a high fever, severe dehydration (can't drink or eat, faint...), cramping, bloody diarrhea or other underlying medical conditions.

Lastly, no peanut butter cookies for a while, okay?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

March of the Caprellidae


Caprellidae shrimp are native residents in the Bodega Bay mud flats. They cling to the flat eel grass blades with four tiny segmented legs while the other two wave, praying mantis like, into the water to catch small particles of food. Their cute little heads have two long, extended antennae that bob around when they move or when you touch them.

I spent three months on the mud flats studying these little critters, only to find that I can't seem to remember what my conclusions were on them.

One thing's for certain. They are not very tasty.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

True Love...

...is a Keurig coffee maker bought by your loving samurai.


Gimme shiny, electronic gadgetry and mix it with a potent cup of tasty, caffeinated coffee, and I'm yours forever.

What can I say? I'm totally worth it. ^.^

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Pointless Conveniences of a Modern Society

The Chia Pet. New! With Barack Obama!
-Has anyone really successfully gotten one of these to grow?

Decaffeinated coffee. Did you know that the chemicals found in decaff in order to de-caff the coffee can be more toxic than the caffeine? Besides which, we all know that caffeine is the best substance in the world, so why deny yourself?

Cigarette filters are made primarily from cellulose acetate, a mostly NON-biodegradable substance that pollutes the environment even after puffing the carcinogen-causing smoke into the air. According to the Wiki, Kent brand cigarettes made filters from asbestos!

A filter on a cigarette is like using a condom with holes. It's not really going to help you.

...which brings me to:

The contraceptive sponge! According to the packaging, the contraceptive sponge is supposed to be a spermacidal barrier, but does NOT protect from STDs. Again, I just can't trust anything with holes in it. Somehow the words barrier and sponge should not belong together.

Crotchless underwear. I don't feel the need to elaborate on this one.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Erudite Lobotomy


Words slice through the right hemisphere of the brain
Exposing bits of pulsating nervous tissue
Blood
And the necrotizing tumor of the soul.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Nude Mice and Naked Chickens


There's a difference between a genetically modified organism (GMO) and a selectively bred animal. Selective breeding involves grabbing a boy animal and a girl animal, a comfy nest or bedding material, low lights and lots of Barry White. -This is the "traditional" method.

GMO organisms involve the manipulation of specific genes in a lab (under ultra sterile conditions), lots of petri dishes, and the ambiance akin to a dentist's office with a running drill. In both cases, the organisms come out with (hopefully) traits that we want.

Take the featherless chicken, which was created purely from selective breeding. This "greener" chicken produces no feathers to clog up landfills and pollute the environment like a typical chicken would. There's a lot of opposition towards its existence even though, in the traditional sense, these chickens are no more Frankensteinish than your pure bred German Shepherd. It's hideous looking, as you can see, and more susceptible to sunburns, parasites and other things.

Another selectively bred animal is the nude mouse. Bred since 1937 (before GMO technology), this mouse has no immune system. Because of that, nude mice have helped studies such as leukemia, cancer, organ transplantation and many, many others. From the picture, you can probably surmise why the nude mouse got it's name.

Seriously though....

...aren't all mice nude?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

We interrupt this blog...

To bring you a special announcement:

Saving students from the evil clutches of scientific ignorance is hard work!

Brain feels like it's been stuffed with cream, deep fried and served with a side of chocolate syrup and grits. I'll try using it again tomorrow. Promise!

In the meantime, please enjoy more pictures from the Far Out World bloggy. It's about all I can comprehend right now.

Monday, January 12, 2009

What I Want


Recently one of my favorite bloggers, Evil J Winter, discussed some of his wants for the coming year.

Erg... forgive me Evil J, but I'm still a tad bit fuzzy about the difference between goals and wants. HOWEVER, you've got me pondering about it all day. Starting in high school, I've compiled a bucket list of things I will do before I "kick the bucket." (I've never seen the movie, but it's on my "to do" list.*)

Never compiled a "want" list until now. But being the slightly anal retentive, obsessive compulsive person that I am, I wanted to make one too! Perhaps this is more of a wishful thinking, snowball's chance in Hell type of list, but if anything, reading it amuses me. Obviously, there's varying degrees of attainability on this...but a girl can dream, can't she?

1. To be in a music video with hellogoodbye.
I wanna be the cute little Asian geek in the pigtails and school girl outfit.

2. To be a co-star in the show Mythbusters, or to have my own show like Bill Nye.
-No offense Kari Byron, but I've got more science smexy in my little pinky than you do in your entire body. Oh, and I have the best kung fu.

3. To stick my head in a tiger's mouth and survive with no injuries.
They're so pretty, furry, cuddly and stripey!

Okay, now for the stuff I think I can get if I play my cards right and work hard at it:

1. To publish my own comic series on Lady Blue. Those of you that know me well, you understand that this will only be a matter of time. ^.^

2. To publish a Biology textbook. Again, to those of you that know me well professionally, this too, will only be a matter of time.

3. Get my black belt. I've already worked to green, but my job gets in the way. I think that according to Evil J, this would be (like the other two) more of a goal than a want, but there's factors in here that are beyond my control.

I also want to bring my skill level to a point where I can do a series of board and brick breaks to impress my boss's boss. He challenged me to a board breaking contest once, and I declined. After all, I was wearing heels and hadn't warmed up. One day though....I want to see how many he can break!


Hmm... and that's about it. It's a fairly short list because I'm the type of person that usually gets what I want.

That, and I'm very happy with what I already have. ^.^



*I've got a bucket list, to do list, grocery list, want list, need list, wish list, supply list, equipment list, goals list, resolution list (which, if you've read my previous bloggies know that it's not written and entirely in my head), listserv, addy list, friend list, contact list, and Listerine, which I keep in my desk drawer and use religiously first thing when I get into work.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sanitize That Please!

It's all happened at some point in our lives: Office co-worker sneezes, then goes to grab a bagel from the office lounge. Their sputum-sprayed hand grabs the handle of the butter knife in order to spread cream cheese over their pastry before returning the now germ-laden utensil back into the container.

Or worse yet... office co-worker leaves the rest room without washing their hands, and then cuts the cake at the office party.

*shudders*

Unwashed hands are responsible for causing the spread of diseases such as colds, flu, pneumonia and diarrhea. Disgusting.

I know it's the super paranoid bionerd in me talking here, but let me explain:

1 in 4 cases of diarrhea are caused by germs spread through unwashed hands. The pathogens (disease-causing organisms) that cause diarrhea are found in your poop. Yes, your poop. This is what we biologists describe as the "fecal oral route." ...get my meaning? Without being too explicit, think about just HOW would someone manage to EAT these pathogens, hmm?

Salmonella, camphylobacter and enterohaemmorhagic E. coli (the E. coli outbreaks we hear in the news) are all caused by enteric bacteria. Enteric, meaning bacteria in the gut and in the poop.

Why does it make us so sick? Well, salmonella and camphylobacter (we biologists affectionately call it "campy") are naturally occurring bacterium in chicken poop, but not in ours. Both are spread by uncooked or poorly prepared poultry or eggs. Whenever we get an introduction of bacteria (think about HOW it's introduced - there's really only one way) that doesn't belong, it makes us sick.

The E. coli outbreaks we hear about are bacteria that generally come from cow poop. So yes, you are definitely thinking what I'm thinking. We eat fecally contaminated foods every day. That's why proper preparation and cooking are important!

Influenza virus (the bugs that cause flu) are spread by water droplets when someone sneezes, coughs, spits, etc. They can remain virulent (active) for over 48 hours on surfaces like a doornob, a keyboard, a serving spoon in a buffet, a wadded up kleenex, a supermarket cart handle, etc...

So what can we do about it?

1. To prevent the spread of disease, WASH YOUR HANDS! The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recommends vigorously rubbing your hands under hot soapy water for 20 seconds. -I usually sing the theme song for Dora the Explorer, We Love DNA, or Happy Birthday. Any of these choices will last 20 seconds. Next, completely dry your hands. If there's no paper towels available and no blower, I get creative and opt for seat protectors or toilet paper.

Wash your hands more often if you or people around you are sick. Also avoid touching your face. This helps the spread of zits, too!

2. Don't touch ANY surface when you're in the bathroom. A public bathroom is a disease infested cesspool. I practice the "hover" technique over the toilet. (Girls, you probably understand this more than the guys. -This can develop your thigh muscles too!) My post excretion routine involves flushing with my foot, covering my hand with toilet paper to lock and unlock the stall door, and using my elbows or paper towels for sink handles, towel dispensers, and door knob.

3. If you're sick, refrain from shaking hands. When I'm ill, I fold my arms and do a modified bow, apologetically telling whomever it is that I can't shake their hand because I don't want to get them sick. Trust me, people appreciate the gesture more than giving them a cold!

4. Sneeze or cover your mouth with your upper arm or shoulder, NEVER into your hand. Think about it for a minute. It makes sense!

5. When preparing food, use separate boards/utensils for raw meats vs. cooked foods or veggies. Call me extremely paranoid, but I have a bottle of 10% bleach that I use to spray down boards, countertops and the outsides of melons. If you read the story link, you'll understand why.

6. For you smokers out there - I have a TON of advice for you, but for this bloggy, I'll stick to: If you prepare raw meats, refrain from smoking. ...remember that fecal-oral route I described earlier?

7. Lastly, when you're in a restaurant or food court bathroom, watch the restaurant workers closely. If they do not wash their hands when they leave the bathroom, RUN AWAY AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

Unfortunately, you can't do the same to your co-workers, but plastering the bathroom with Hand Washing Signs DOES help! I also like adding this little ditty:

If you tinkle
When you sprinkle
Be a sweetie
And wipe the seatie!

Happy Handwashing!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Lovely Jane

(Please enjoy one of my short story attempts. I was inspired by a song called "Lovely Jane" by Dag. If you click on the music player below, you can hear the song. Please enjoy!)

Copyright by Yen Verhoeven 2007

Lovely Jane

Jane added her last bit of makeup in front of the mirror. She puckered her lips once, adjusted the black cross choker around her slender neck and winked at her image with a long lashed eye. The black lipstick was a pleasing contrast to her pale, milk white skin. A final tug of the laced-up corset on her hourglass figure, and she was ready for the night. She walked by her dozing boyfriend, blowing a kiss to his prone muscular form…his limbs tangled with the sheets, before closing the door with a click.

The cab dropped her off in front of the night club. She gave Leo a generous tip and a kiss on the cheek before stepping out onto the street. The sight of her trim body, ghost white save for the black makeup, freckles and shock of red hair seemed to attract everyone’s attention as she marched right up to the club’s bouncer. He let her pass with not so much as a cursory glance.

Snow was dancing among some rather large men. Her long, raven black hair almost touched the floor as her lithe figure moved with the music. She smiled radiantly when she saw Jane approach, forgetting the men; opting to give Jane a hug and a passionate welcoming kiss.

“I was wondering when you would show up!” Snow’s face lit up, momentarily overshadowing the dark, sunken circles around her eyes.

Jane returned the kiss, wrapping her arms around Snow’s waist. “What, and miss a party with you?”

They danced for a bit, their slender limbs entwined and swaying to the music. Jane leaned over and whispered something in Snow’s ear, and they left for the night, hand in hand.

Snow’s apartment was dark, with a single yellow light bulb illuminating the small studio. On the nightstand was a picture of Snow, and her current boyfriend Jeremy; a rather greasy looking fellow, with tattoos that snaked all over his arms as he held the small girl tightly around her waist. Jane sat down on the bed and took a cigarette out of her cleavage, offering Snow one as well.

“I don’t smoke” Snow said, waving away the cigarette. She seemed to shrink in her apartment, wringing her hands nervously as she sat next to Jane. The girls had known each other for a few months now. In fact, the only reason Jane was even allowed near Snow was because Jeremy, the owner of the club, had fantasies about both women in bed.

And now, as Jane blew a gentle breath of smoke into Snow’s face, his fantasies may come true. Involuntarily, Snow took in a breath, inhaling the white cloud, and seemed to visibly relax. She breathed in more, and her eyes became slightly unfocused.

“Jane,” she whispered, “you always make me feel better when you are here.” Snow leaned her head on Jane’s shoulders and cried. “I need to tell you something. I HAVE to tell you. It’s about Jeremy…” She hugged Jane tightly and inhaled more of the smoke; the unusually sweet scent seemed to mix well with the fragrance from Jane’s hair. Snow’s small frame shuddered, as if cold.

“Let’s take a bath.” Jane stood up and made her way into the tiny bathroom, leading Snow by the hand. They drew the hot water, and both girls sat in the tub. Jane took another long drag of her cigarette, blowing it into the air before speaking. “Snow, you can tell me everything. You can trust me, you know.” She kissed Snow on the forehead, and held her hands under the warm water as she listened.

Snow broke down and told her everything…all of Jeremy’s secrets and his illegal doings. She poured her heart out to Jane, and didn’t even notice when the slits were made. Jane continued to listen, and smoke. The fumes seemed to cloud Snow’s mind into a haze. Jane watched and listened as Snow’s blood clouded the water. Snow’s words began to slur as she got dizzy from blood loss. Towards the end, Jane held Snow close to her breast, kissing her on the forehead as she died. Later, she rested Snow’s body peacefully against the wall of the tub, careful to not get any blood on the floor as she crept out, cleaning herself with the special cloths she brought in her purse. After flushing the evidence down the toilet, Jane dressed and left the apartment discretely.

The evening air felt wonderfully refreshing when it hit her skin. Jane took in a deep breath, clearing her head before crossing the street, removing the phone from her purse. Before she could dial in the number, she felt a sharp pain at the base of her neck and raised a hand, as if to slap away a mosquito; surprised to find a tiny dart jutting out from her skin. Her body froze in paralysis as the neurotoxin took over. From the corner of her eye, in the direction of the dart, she saw…..or so it seemed, a person, dressed completely in black, crouched on the sill just outside Snow’s room. She watched in horror as they knelt down and unfastened the tiny microphone that had been taped to Snow’s window. Just before Blue tucked the device into her sash, Jane was struck and killed instantly by a car as it drove down the street. Her dead eyes witnessed the ninja disappear into the silent night.

(Image from Acidic Glamour)


Lovely Jane - Dag

Friday, January 9, 2009

Ah SHOE!

My shoe is the obnoxiously bright orange neon Converse that stops traffic in a heartbeat. Worn with jeans, shorts, workout pants, khaki skirts or boy shorts and a baby tee, my Chucks are my most favorite wardrobe accessory.

Unfortunately, because I have to uphold a very professional image at work, these little puppies come out to play only on warm weekends and occasional evenings. Maryland winters here are so cold that I have to opt for snuggly boots instead. -I gets cold, cold toesies!

Wearing my Chucks means wearing my personality on my feet. The shoe style says "casual," but the orange screams "SPUNKY! SMEXAAAY!"

A brief scan on the internet dredged up some interesting articles on shoe personality. As Francesca Soroka pointed out, women wearing nine-inch stilettos convey a very different image about themselves compared to someone wearing Birkenstocks. Miss Meghan has built an entire career on shoe style! Way to go!

In case you are curious yourself, go here to find out about your Shoe-Style personality!

On the job, I'm infamous for my over-the-calf, sleek leather boots and pencil skirts. Why? Because when I wear the lab jacket, I'm covered from neck to toe just in case I spill concentrated hydrochloric acid on myself. Being OSHA compliant doesn't mean I have to give up being cute!

Still miss my Converse though....

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Oh Sweet, Sweet Achilles Heel.....

Today I'm going to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart: DESSERT*!

I take food very personally and passionately. Dessert especially. Here's my top five favs:

5. California Pizza Kitchen's tiramisu. See this? With the vanilla sauce? THAT is what makes it one of the best tiramisus ever! Olive Garden has the runner up. Ask them to serve this with vanilla sauce, and it's almost like CPK's.

4. Buca di Beppo's tiramisu is the best in the world! The stuff burns because they put real Kahlua in it. It also comes in a HUGE bowl (they're made for a group of 4-6). I was at a conference in Pennsylvania one time, and took down one of these sweet babies almost entirely by myself. Unfortunately I had to stop talking because I could feel the buzz. When I get buzzed, my brain filter shuts off. :P (I'm a lightweight, I know! More bang for your buck I guess...)

3. Carolina Kitchen's red velvet cake is so good that when you take a bite, the sun shines and the angels sing. I've never had red velvet cake until moving to the east coast. What I can tell you is that I've never HAD red velvet cake until coming to Carolina Kitchen. There's something about the combination of rich sweetness and gobs of cream cheese frosting that just make you feel happy. YOW! Compared to Carolina Kitchen, everything else is just... tough oily slabs of red-dyed carbohydrate dressed in sickeningly sweet trans fatty death.

2. Passion fruit mousse cake from Ciocolat is made with alternating layers of airy, almost-there tropical mousse and sweet white cake with a smooth, creamy frosting that underscores the passion fruit flavor. You'll take a bite and want to slap someone. My GOODNESS! They also have sinfully sugary cookies, and their fruit tarts are second to none. *sighs* I miss the West Coast!

1. Imagine syrup-soaked buttery layers of moist cake coated in fluffy, barely sweet whipped cream and covered with an almondy layer of marzipan "frosting." The princess cake at Gayle's Bakery is so freakingtastically good that you have to have a moment of silence before your taste buds can fully appreciate this delicately sweet, sinfully moist, satisfyingly fattening piece of heaven. If I say more about this dessert I'd have to put an 18 and up rating on my blog. Let's just say that even thinking about this tasty cake causes my mind to stray towards the more erotically pleasurable things in life. It's THAT good. It's dayuMn good with a capital MMMmmmnnn...


Honorable mentions:

El Torito's chocolate volcano cake.

Sweet Inspiration in San Francisco, CA has the best hunking slab of strawberry shortcake on the planet. They also have a great poppyseed cake too!

The Elephant Bar's mudpie has no equal. The only reason why I don't have this listed in my top five is because I'm lactose intolerant, and this would put me over the edge without my Lactaid pills. (See my bloggy on farting and you would understand.) Unfortunately, I have ordered this mudpie despite the consequences of not having my Lactaid pills, knowing full well the repercussions. But dammit, this pie is so good!


Ruth Chris's caramelized banana cream pie is also a winner! The sugar crystals add a nice crunch which contrasts with the banana slices and pudding-like cream.





Lastly, I must mourn the loss of Fuzio's black-and-white affogato. If it weren't for the fact that they took this dessert off the menu, it would've been my number one. Scoops of chocolate and vanilla gelato topped with real whipped cream and drowned in pure expresso. *sighs* When they discontinued this dessert, a piece of me died. I will never forget you affogato. You and I had good times. Good times.


* See, I even remembered to spell "dessert" with two s's because they stand for "Strawberry Shortcake" ^.^

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Green Ham?! Triumph of the GloPig!

Another biotech miracle, or freak of nature:GloPigs!

Well, actually they aren't called that. BUT, these little piggies DO glow green when hit with a blacklight. In fact, when these green porkers first came out in 2006, it was a HUGE deal in the scientific community too! Here's why:

A glopig is actually a transgenic animal. -An animal that has had its genes altered. In other words, Taiwanese scientists placed a jellyfish gene into their pigs' DNA to make it glow. Now, before you guys freak out on me, do understand that we've been messing with genes for YEARS! DECADES! CENTURIES! I mean, do you think that something like this sharpei is normal?!

Before the advent of gene splicing, humans have been altering genes through a process called artificial selection. This is how we've made such foods like corn and tomatoes, and animals like cows, chickens and chihuahuas. Cows and chickens were "domesticated," meaning that before gene technology, we picked the dumbest, meatiest, tastiest animals we could find to breed. Corn is an actual genetic derivative of maize, a naturally occurring plant similar to wheat...a weed!

Current biotech, and transgenic organisms are just a better, more efficient, sexier way of swapping genes than artificial selection. We still get what we want without the nasty side effects (think about that little doggie up there). Besides, it'd be damned near impossible to breed a pig with a jellyfish... Even Barry White can't help us with that one!

Anyhoo, going back to glopigs... The idea of putting a glowing gene into an animal's DNA has been around for quite a while to study and understand gene expression. Thinking back to basic bio, remember that not all of our genes are turned on at the same time. By putting a glowing gene into specific places in our DNA, you can figure out what genes are turned "on" (when it glows) and what's turned "off."

Case in point, look at these mice. The jellyfish gene, which codes for the Green Fluorescent Protein, or GFP, only glows in their ears, tail and feet. What this means is that the particular gene that these scientists are studying is ONLY turned on in these areas.

By knowing where genes are expressed, and HOW they get expressed, we can find better ways to control certain genetic defects or disorders. Conversely, if we can find genes that are expressed everywhere and every time, we may be able to find gene therapies for the entire animal. Remember "gene therapy?" It was a huge thing in the 80's and 90's.

Dr. Wu Shinn-Chih's glopigs are a hit because he was the first one to express GFP in the entire organism! The FIRST!!! The ENTIRE organism! Meaning, green skin, green eyes, green liver, green tongue, green BACON. Green everything! Now THAT is pretty damn cool.

Once we get chickens involved, we've got Dr. Suess's book allllll taken care of!

Green Eggs and Ham anyone?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Say NO to Mind Control!

...with the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie!



HA! Take THAT, super skinny aliens with crystalline skulls and freakishly long limbs!

Your mind control plans to take over my body and rule the world have been foiled again!

MUHUHAHAHA!!!!

Monday, January 5, 2009

On Farting, Flatulence and Making Cheese

Gas. Everyone has it. In fact, we poot 1-4 pints of gas (called flatus) on an average of 14 times a day!

What causes it? We eat, drink, and swallow small amounts of air which can either be released through belching or, if it goes through the entire system, farting.

As Colin Powell will tell you though, flatus isn't JUST about the intake of air. Hence the term, "Silent but deadly." In addition to ingested air, the bacteria in our lower intestine LOVE to break down certain carbohydrates found in foods. This breakdown creates a combination of byproducts such as hydrogen, methane and sulfur! (The stinky egg smell that brings tears to your eyes.) These gasses build up in our lower intestine and rectum until thar she blows.

Incidentally flatus, only it's not called flatus, is what forms the holes in swiss cheese. To make swiss cheese, bacteria are introduced into a milk/enzyme slushie and incubated at body temperature. As the cheese forms, bacteria eat the lactose (a type of sugar) in the milk and produce gas. This gas gets trapped and makes holey cheese! Fondue anyone?

...and you wonder why they call it, "Cutting the cheese..."

More farting facts:

1. The "fart" you hear from ripping one is caused by (and I quote from Wikipedia) "vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks." So instead of clenching to hold the gas in, unclench and let your flatus go! If it's silent, maybe someone else will get the blame.

2. One third of the human population actually produces methane in their flatus. How do you know if your among the lucky 33.3%? Your feces floats!

3. Flatus odor varies depending on a person's unique bacterial mix in their lower intestine, and on what they ate. Take broccoli for instance. In some people, it's a harmless vegetable. To others, it becomes a deadly biological weapon of war and mass destruction. Broccoli + Fluffy = Destroyer of Worlds.

4. Bacteria love carbohydrates like fiber and sugar (found in beans, legumes and fruits). Eat a low carb diet high in fat and protein, and chances are that your gasage will significantly decrease.

5. Beano is an enzyme product you can buy over the counter to silence one's chuff. It works by breaking down raffinose, a sugar found in beans, before it gets to the gas-producing microbes in your lower intestine. Go Biotech!

6. Can you light a fart? I have no idea! But when I lived in an apartment with four guys in college, it helped to keep a box of matches in the bathroom. Believe it or not, it's more effective than an air freshener after a post poop experience.

7. Herrings communicate with each other by farting at night. Fish fart?! Yup! Check it out!

8. Want more? How about a Farting Blog!

9. Run out of fun vocabulary for describing one's toot? Go to the Unabridged Dictionary of Fart Slang." There you'll find ways to colorfully describe your natural passage of gas. My favorite? ASSASSINATION! Get it? :D

Fine, I'll stop writing before my samurai takes away the keyboard...

Toot away my biological brethren!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Dance of the Banana Slug - Yes, Size DOES Matter!


Up in the redwood covered mountains of Santa Cruz, CA, bright yellow mollusks called banana slugs reside in great abundance. Larger than the palm of your hand, rumor has it that their slime tastes like bananas. However, I've never had the guts to lick one myself, nor have I found a victim willing to do it for me as of yet.

In addition to their unusual appearance, banana slugs are also hermaphroditic and possess hunormous penises. In fact, in the Latin name of one species of banana slug, Ariolimax dolichophallus, dolichophallus means "giant penis." So much so that during mating, if the penis gets *ahem* stuck, its mate will chew it off in a process called "apophallation". (Who said biologists don't have a sense of humor?)

No wonder it's the mascot for U.C. Santa Cruz!

For more info on strange animal mating habits, check out the Neatorama blog. They had stuff even I didn't know!!!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Death of an Interviewee

I interview a lot of people. After another grueling interview-a-thon on Friday, here's some advice for potential job-seekers:

1. Make sure you've read the job description and that you've specified which job you are applying to.

Sometimes I'll get a random resume from a veterinarian and I'll have no idea if they want to apply for the medical assistant position, or for the custodial position (neither of which is relevant to the resume that they have sent in.)

2. Cover letters are GREAT!

Shockingly, only about 25% of the resumes I receive come with a cover letter. ....guess who gets to go see me for an interview? Oooh, and don't forget to spell check it. If you can't spell "September," than can you spell "polyacrylamide gel electrophoresis" correctly? On that note, if the letter is addressed to me, the name is Yen; not Jen, Wen, Ven or Sally.

3. Please follow the directions when you apply.

My ads say "no phonecalls." Therefore, I automatically bypass resumes from people who call. It may sound cruel, but if you think about it, if someone can't follow simple directions on the application, how can they follow directions on the job?

4. Give a firm handshake.

Have a friend give you a weak, wussy handshake, and you'll see what I mean. When I shake a floppy fish hand, they might as well give me a cold, soggy, used kleenex to go with it. Bleh.

On the same token, don't try to break my hand either. I can't concentrate well on your interview with broken bones. Excuse me, what was your name again? Ow.

5. Don't sound desperate.

If someone tells me "I really need this job" or "I really need the money," it terrifies the bejeebies out of me. It means that they don't care if they are qualified and would drop me if Krispy Kreme offered a more competitive salary.
(No offense, Brian. I LOVE Krispy Kreme!).

6. At the interview, don't faint, apologize profusely for being hung over, cry, forget the papers you were supposed to bring, or talk about your anger management issues.

To me, an interview is a conversation. As far as I know, there's nothing really intimidating about a 5 foot petite asian woman with a lab coat and pocket protector; but for some, it's enough to put them over the edge! Egads, wait until you meet MY boss! Or heaven forbid... a classroom full of students! Oh wait...your the same dude that tried to break my hand.

Also, please shower, wear deodorant, and tone it down on the Chanel 5. Although it isn't the deciding factor on whether or not you get the job, for heaven's sake, I have to be in the elevator with you!

7. DON'T hit on the interviewer.

Bad. Just...very, very bad. Like, I could write entire blog on the many ways that this is so wrong.

Lastly, be yourself... PLEASE. I mean, you have to work with this person. An interview isn't just about getting the job. It's also about determining, in that small amount of time, who your future coworkers may be that you will see each and every day! If you can't stand me for five minutes, imagine seeing me for roughly 241 days out of the year!


Picture from I Has a Hotdog

Friday, January 2, 2009

California Dreamin'

Christmas means celebrating in California with ornately wrapped presents, rum filled chocolates, suicidal, muscle tenderizing jogs with daddy dearest, and plenty of pho. Thank goodness for Vietnamese mommies!!! ^.^

I am proud to say that I survived internet deprivation with little to no epileptic seizures or erratic gnawing/self mutilation and managed to reach my daily writing goals using my handy dandy little notebook. Some of the hallucinations experienced from this vacation will be placed in this bloggy! -At a later date.

I spent the New Year on the floor in the Oakland airport watching Spiderman cartoons off my laptop while waiting for my delayed plane.

One of my New Years resolutions? Do NOT let my loving samurai book red eye plane tickets on New Years Eve!

My other resolutions? You'll never know. Resolutions are like Birthday wishes. They won't come true if you tell!!! Besides, if you never write them down, you won't remember the ones you broke! :D

Happy Belated New Years Everyone!

(Heh, it's okay. The REAL New Year won't come until the 26th anyways...)