Pet Rocks

My first introduction to the pet rock was in preschool. We sat in a little circle surrounding several pet rocks set out on the floor. Our teacher told us that if we were very quiet and good, the rocks would move.

All of us remained motionless for an extremely long time, maybe even for an entire thirty seconds. Suddenly this little girl across from me yells, "Hey! I saw that one move!" Soon, the whole class is in an uproar over seeing the moving rocks. Being the little naive kid that I was, I didn't see a single one move. I squinted. I stood still. I stared. Yet despite my best efforts, the rocks didn't move for me. Naturally, not wanting to be left out, I succumbed to peer pressure and chimed in, exclaiming very proudly about the rock right in front of me moving. Deep inside though, I was hurt that the rocks did not love me.

To this day, I still have dreams about being in that darkened room with the other kids. Only in my dreams, the rocks dance around the room and talk. >.>

Pet rocks come with very simple care and maintenance instructions. No need to feed them, and they are born already potty trained. Commands such as "sit" and "stay" are almost instinctive, and with very little effort, you can even train them to attack.

I keep mine next to my vase-shaped bonsai kitty. Although they aren't the same species, at least little Puss 'n Vase doesn't get too lonely when I'm at work.

Rumor Bustin'

Two nasty biological rumors that I want to clarify and set aside for the general benefit of mankind:

1. Being cold will make you catch a cold.

My mother still believes this. However, you can't catch a cold unless you have a virus first! No virus = no cold. Why is it that we get more colds in the winter? For one, school is in session, and unfortunately, classrooms are a virtual cesspool for spreading diseases. Also, people tend to stay indoors where the likely hood of contact with an infectious person increases.

Bottom line: You have a higher chance of catching a cold by licking a doorknob than being outside in zero degree weather with just your skivvies on.

2. Cloning is bad because Hitler will be reborn and take over the world.

Psht! First of all, clones are genetically identical. That's it. Identical twins are clones. The cells in your body are clones. Did you know that your eye cell, your bone cell, and your nerve cells are clones? They have (hopefully) the same genetic makeup, do they not? But do they look alike? Nope!

Just because an individual has the same genetic makeup as another individual doesn't mean they will be or act the same. Hitler's clone could grow to be the world's greatest figure skater for all we know!

Also, this rumor that we mad, evil scientists are making clones of each other in the lab so that we can rip out their organs for medical research? ...not happening. Here's why:

a. Remember Dolly the cloned sheep? It took 227 surrogate ewes (female sheep) in order to produce one successful Dolly. Last I checked, we don't have that many human women willing to do something like that.

b. By the time the clone reaches an age where its organs would be "ripe" for harvesting, you will either be dead already, or too old to care.

c. Your clone, being a complete, sentient individual with human rights like you, will probably protest.

d. It's illegal.

Incidentally, we eat cloned cattle all the time. Plants...MOST plants that we eat are now produced from clones (been doing it since forever). In fact, most bananas are genetically identical!

Can you clone your cat? Well, yes. In 2001, CC (stands for Copy Cat) was the first cloned cat produced by Genetic Savings and Clone. Unfortunately, the company went belly up in 2006. Is it possible that we'll have another pet cloning service in the future?
ABSOLUTELY!

Maybe after the recession picks up though... >.>

One more pet peeve.... Revenge of the Office Ninja!

Don't you hate it when people go through your paperclips and daisy chain them together? *growls*

It adds to job-related stress, and ninja flip outs.

Hint: Always have a stapler and staple remover handy in case of ninja attacks. Ninjas like shiny objects and will be distracted as you attempt to extend your life for several more seconds...

Varying Degrees of Irritation

I wrote this blog sitting in the middle of an airport waiting for my connecting flight…and started cracking myself up. I’m just kind of goofy that way. As an exercise in creativity, I added varying degrees of irritation that could make a situation worse (some of these things have happened to me, and some have not). This list is not in any means listed in order of preference.
Unfortunately, I haven't quite mastered the html for outlining yet, so please bear with me on the formatting. Enjoy!


1. Toilet paper that breaks up into thumb-sized bits when you try to unroll it
a. Having NO toilet paper – when you really need it…and there’s nothing else within easy reach to wipe with.

2. Wet doorknobs.
a. Wet doorknobs in a public place.
i. …like a bathroom with no toilet paper, seat protectors or paper towels

3. You feel a tickle like something is on your leg. When you reach down to scratch and it crunches and squishes.
a. …and has a lot of little legs.
i. …at least EIGHT of them.
1. …and it bites.

4. People who stare at you. Dammit. I don’t exist! STOP STARING!
a. People who stare at you, then say things like “hey baby,” or, “wuzzup” or “can I take you home?”
i. People who stare at you, try to give you a pickup line, and are old shriveled white men.
1. People who think that just because you’re a small Asian woman, it’s okay to stare, give you a pick up line, and think you’re a little nympho who likes to get it on with old white men.
b. Men who seem to have so much difficulty reading the one or two words that are written across your T-shirt. Hint: Try sounding it out.

5. People who don't understand personal space. –Being from California, I've discovered that my personal space radius is about two inches longer than the average East Coaster.
a. …a person who's personal space is right where you’re standing, and they constantly remind you of this by either hitting you with their bags, bellies, boobs or other body parts. *shudders*
b. …and have bad breath
i. …and body odor
1. … who try to cover their body odor by slathering on copious amounts of perfume or musk, creating toxic vapors able to peel the paint off the walls.
a. …who smoke
i. …and have just gotten out of the rain.

6. Getting carded for taking a cheese sample in a grocery store. ("Excuse me, but are you 18?" *stern look from Mrs. Sample lady with the wrinkly mouth shaped like a dog anus*)
a. Getting carded…for taking a Tylenol sample.
i. …at Wallmart

7. Children from the booth next to you who turn and either make faces, talk to you, or play with your hair while you’re eating and trying to have a conversation at a restaurant.
a. Children who peak under the toilet stalls while you’re taking a pee

8. Drivers who drive below the speed limit, or who can’t see
a. All the above, and are trying to read a map because they’re lost
i. …and talking on the cell phone to get directions.
1. ...then suddenly slam their breaks stop in the middle of the road because they missed their intersection.

9. Cats who sleep on your face, or rub up against you…constantly… like you’re a walking piece of catnip (I’m allergic)…
a. …that drool and chew on your hair.
i. …then pukes or "scents" your belongings with cat pee.

10. Doggie poo in the most unexpected and random places

11. Waking up and finding that your pet python has escaped its cage and is now curled up next to you for warmth.

12. The ferret that chews a hole in your dresser drawer and is now nesting in your underwear.

13. People on the airplane who get sick and vomit in front of you. No matter HOW much Dramamine I’m on… it just does it to me every time.
a. People with EXPLOSIVE vomit on the plane that sit next to you.
i. The smell that lingers
1. …in your hair

14. Dogs that are twice as large as I am who jump up and squish me.
a. Ankle biters
i. Crotch sniffers. Wrong time, wrong place, and wrong species.

15. Baggers in the grocery store who have to look at what you’re buying and comment on it. Just because I’m buying cucumbers, carrots, bananas, and other assorted produce that’s over 4 inches long doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making vegetable soup and fruit salad.
a. Guys that hit you (literally) with their shopping cart thinking that it’s a great pickup line and that you’ll be instantly attracted to them due to their affinity for creating road kill.
i. …they start talking about your vegetables

16. People who stare at your mouth constantly when you talk to them, yet don’t have the decency to tell you that there’s some bit of food stuck in your teeth.

17. Stores that put the smallest-sized clothes on the top shelf, right out of reach from your outstretched fingers

18. The Styrofoam container that constantly squeaks when you drive because it’s rubbing up against something, and it’s in the back seat where you can’t reach it.

19. Peeing in the woods…looking up…and seeing that people on the trail behind you are watching as you pee in the woods.
a. Having poison oak brush against you as you pee in the woods

20. When you sit at a traffic light and the person in the car next to you is picking their nose
a. When the kid in the car next to you picks their nose…and eats the booger.

21. Gorillas who throw their poo at you.

Tet - Celebration of the Vietnamese New Year

It must be an east coast thing, but everyone I run into calls it "Chinese" New Year here. HeellLLOOo! The Chinese aren't the only ones that celebrate! The more "PC" term would be "Asian New Year," since most East Asian cultures celebrate.

In Vietnam, we call it Tet, and this is the year of the Water Buffalo. There's a custom in Vietnam, which says that what you do today sets the tone for the rest of the year. So. With that said, I've used my stress ball, practiced my breathing techniques, and been a very, very good girl! ^.^ No tylenol or medications, plus only ONE cup of coffee. See? Way better than those resolutions, right?

Err... I'd go into details about water buffalo years, but I don't believe in horoscopes. Ironic since I personally am a classic tiger, and my grandfather made astrological charts on his grandchildren (which were eerily true...). ^.^

Chug Mung Nam Moi Everybody!

One of those days...

Instead of rocks, I've hit asphalt!

I guess that's the problem with getting too comfortable in your field. When it comes to breaking into new territory, you sometimes forget how hard it was to dig the first time.

Picture is from the I Has a Hotdog site.

My Diet Coke and Mentos Habit

Science: Taking ordinary things and making them extremely volatile and dangerous. You gotta love it! ^.^



Enjoy!

(You should see what we can do with a bottle of draino!)

Indomitable Spirit - Chipping Away at Rocks

I had the pleasure of working for one tough, VERY tough lady. She came from the philosophy that you must break your employees down, then rebuild them into the people you want them to be. On my last day working for her, she said that she had finally gotten the "mediocrity" out of me. Wow. ^.^ I'm not mediocre!!!

She also gave me advice about rocks. There are times, she said, when you dig into the ground, and the soil is really loose and easy to work with. Then your shovel will hit a rock. If it's a small rock, you can dig it out. If it's a large rock you can find ways to dig around it. But sometimes, you're going to hit one freaking fat boulder that won't budge, and instead of going around, you MUST go through.

Failure is not an option.

So. What do you do?
She told me that the difference between successful people and mediocre people is that you never let the boulders impede your progress. Although the boulder is in your way, find other things you can do to press forward. Push other rocks... dig in a different direction.

Every day, test the boulder. It still may not budge, but chip at it. Move it. Smack it at a different angle. Maybe today it won't move. That's okay. Push the other rocks in your path while you find a solution to move your boulder. One day, it's going to move. One day, as you push the other rocks, you'll find that stick of dynamite to blow that sucker way the heck outa Dodge!!! As long as you work on the boulder a little bit at a time, eventually it'll happen.

Until that day happens, you will have still moved a ton of dirt and rocks while you wait. THAT'S progress. ^.^

-One other thing I wanted to point out. Remember that point about the difference between successful people and mediocre people? If there's a difference, than success has nothing to do with luck. It means you have to find out what that difference is...and NOT be mediocre.

Indomitable spirit. Ala bedrock.

Collectable Bonsai Kitties

From the ancient Asian* fusion of Chinese foot binding and Japanese Bonsai comes the Bonsai Kitten!.**

(Note: No kittens were harmed in the writing of this description)

The concept:
1. Inject kitten with muscle relaxants then shove into a glass container using a shoe horn. Container has been pre-drilled with air holes, feeding hole and "excretion" hole.

2. Place feeding tube in kitten's mouth and feed with a nutrient slurry containing decalcification agents to allow its bones to re-ossify into the shape of the container.

3. Seal kitten anus with superglue and insert a waste tube into the waste hole. The kitten will then develop a "natural rectal diverticulum" around the tube as it grows. Attach other end of tube to a colostomy bag.

4. Once kitten has grown to maturity, break container. Voila! Vase-shaped kitten!

You can also have a cylinder, rectangle, conic cylinder, or even...dog shaped kitties!

Personally? I opt for a square-shaped chinchilla. They're much softer, and their teeny little paws are just sooo cyuuute!




*I shudder when someone uses the term "Oriental" unless it refers to a rug - another blog at another time
**Please tell me you're not buying this. Please? Otherwise can I refer you to the aluminum foil deflector beenie blog, too?