The Blue Kunoichi

A Bit of Zen

2009-10-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

I’ve had two moments in my teaching career which have completely changed my life and saved my sanity. I will talk about the second moment, and save my first for another bloggy.

It happened during my sixth year teaching. As a know-it-all hot shot bio teacher, I was invited to a Strategic Literacy Workshop sponsored by West Ed in Oakland, California. The experience was so profoundly eye opening that it completely changed how I taught and viewed my students and people in general.

While composting numerous piles of paperwork today, I came across a list from our company presenter, Liz McKay which summed it all. It was written by Ferdinand F. Fournies, from his book, “Why Employees Don’t Do What They’re Supposed to Do and What to Do About It.”

WHY DON’T PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO?

They didn’t know why they should do it
They didn’t know when to begin and end it
They didn’t know what they were supposed to do
They didn’t know how to do it
They thought they were doing it
They thought your way wouldn’t work or that their way was best
They thought something else was more important
They aren’t rewarded for doing it, or aren’t punished for not doing it
They didn’t think they could do it

My student teaching year was the hardest year of my life. Most of my frustrations stemmed from the fact that I had high expectations for my students, but I did all of the work and they never did what they were supposed to. Nine years later, I mentor many teachers with the same issues: How can I get them to do what I ask?

…and my answer is, “You teach them.”

If they are not doing what you ask, than assume that they don’t know how. I had an instructor come to me frustrated that her students did not do their reading homework. I asked her if she taught them how to read the book. HOW MANY teachers have taught students how to read a textbook? Did she ever teach them how to read HER textbook? Ah HAAAA! Problem solved. (Then I wonder: Were WE ever taught how to teach a student to read a textbook???)

If a teacher understands that their students don’t know XY or Z, than teach them how. Don’t assume they already know, otherwise, they would’ve done what you asked them to do! -Unless they’re distracted. (More on this later)

One of my favorite quotes was from my mentor Gina Hale at West Ed: “Teach them the process and the content will come though.” Focusing on the process lets a student know that they CAN do it, and that we’re there to help each step of the way

Interview at Starbucks

2009-02-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

This was written in response to a writing challenge on the Digital Webbing Forums. I hope you enjoy! ^.^

Interview at Starbucks
copyright 2009 by Yen Verhoeven

"One triple shot tall raspberry mocha please." I say to the Starbucks barista. Behind me, my future "employer" is gawking at my legs. When one pairs thigh highs and heels correctly, the results can be absolutely devastating.

Case in point: As I sit down in front of him, I have to tap his chin. "You might want to close your mouth Felixxxs." I use a sensual purr to pronounce his name, making it sound like a very dirty word in the bedroom. Sliding the sunglasses off my face, I hook them into my figure-hugging dress shirt that expresses every curve on my toned upper body; the cleavage just barely peaking over.

"I uh…I'm uh…glad you could uh…make it." he stutters, captured by my brilliant violet eyes. That's right Felix…stare all you want. You're already mine and what's worse is that you know it.

I watch in amusement as a red blush forms on his cheeks while he struggles to control his thoughts, composing them together between the oh shit, she knows who I am and damn, she's f-ing gorgeous. Poor guy. He has no idea what he's getting into and with whom. There's an awkward pause as he waits, wondering if I will tell him my name.

I let it pass, adding to his exquisite torture by crossing my legs under the table. The undeniable rasp of sheer thigh high followed by the discrete brush of my foot against his calf makes him jump. "It was my pleasure." I say, taking a sip of my mocha and leaving that soft, almost perfect imprint of my lips on the lid before setting the cup down.

"Why so nervous, Felix? After all, you were the one that asked me to come." Egads, how do people DRINK this stuff? Even with the extra shots, it tastes like warm bitter water compared to what I'm used to. –And that flavoring? Definitely NOT raspberries.

I smile predatorily as I watch Felix struggle to break his gaze with me. He's very cute. So innocent. So vulnerable. I should be feeling guilty, but I'm having too much fun.

"Er…right, right." he says, clearing his throat. From his worn out briefcase, I watch him produce a packet of papers folded in half. "Uhm, so I prepared a few questions for our interview. You know, to make sure that you're the right fit for the job."

Unbelievable. Well, maybe believable. After all, Felix was a former IT person that got shuffled and reassigned to the HR department. From key puncher to pencil pusher, his HR boss in the upper echelons of the organization, an old gruff gentleman by the name of Colonel Roberson, hates his guts. Could it be because of Felix's psychotically anal attention to detail? Who knows. It doesn't matter anyways since Felix wants him dead.

And now, dear Felix is going to give me a behavioral interview. For an assassination. Oh geeze.

I have to cover my mouth to hide the smirk while I watch him thumb through his little paper packet. It was heavily highlighted in two colors, with blue inked notes and whited out corrections. What was this originally for? A government position as a secretary? With my little predatory smile I reply, “Riiiiight. Go ahead Felix and ask away.” Watch carefully as I eat him with my brain.

"Tell me about a time you had to deal with an unforeseen crisis and what steps did you take to resolve it?" he reads in a confident tone, adjusting his glasses. Placing the packet down, he leans forward, waiting for my response.

"Hmm…" I look away, tilting my head in seeming deep thought while giving him a little encouragement. They always feel better when they think they've stumped you.

"You read the headline about how executive CEO Ted Liberty, from the Liberty Toy Company fell victim to an enteric flesh eating disease, yes?" I ask, tracing my cup with a shiny blood red nail.

"Yes." Poor Felix. His eyes were as round as saucers and his untouched cappuccino was getting cold.

"Yes," I repeat, looking up to capture his gaze once again. "Eighteen dead shortly after his Super Bowl party, two in intensive care, unresponsive to antibiotics. It's only a matter of time." I watch with amusement as a bead of sweat trickled its way down his forehead and to his eyebrow.

"Did YOU do that? How did you do it?" He asks, entirely forgetting the original question. I motion for him to drink his cappuccino. No cream, with one packet of sugar.

"Well, poor Ted's caterer never made it to the party." I say while casually waving my hand in the air. "…something about how a Buick without a driver collided with the catering truck en route. It was a tragic accident." At this point, Felix already knows that the "accident" had something to do with me. I could have told him the gory details but he was already sheet white as it is. I didn't want him throwing up all over the table either.

"Anyways, here's poor Ted, party just starting without a caterer. What's worse, his old college fraternity brothers and his management team were all invited."

"So what happened?" Felix asks, finally taking a sip of his lukewarm drink.

"He calls for pizza." I say with a disarming smile. "This is where I come in. You see, the original delivery driver couldn't make it. He was uh," my eyes move up his buttoned yellow polo shirt, rest on his pocket protector for a brief moment before meeting his gaze, "detained. I stepped in as a substitute." I hear another gulp from Felix. That cappuccino must've hurt coming down.

"So. Here I am with a stack of ten pizzas at the second quarter of the game, and this guy answers the door. He's completely painted in Pittsburgh Steelers gold and black colors and is holding a cat in a Steelers cheerleading outfit." I couldn't keep the growl out of my voice.

"What's wrong with that?" Felix asks.

"I HATE cats."

"Anyways, before Ted can come to the door to pay me, this….LUNATIC grabs me by the arm and pulls me into the room. Suddenly, everyone starts cheering like raving madmen, and the guy tosses popcorn everywhere and starts crushing beer cans on his belly while break dancing on the couch!" I shake my head, remembering that crazy night. Damn cats.

"…All I wanted was to deliver the pizza and make sure they all ate it." I say with a pout. "Instead, I get dragged into this party with a bunch of wild, raving men wearing golden togas and throwing around costumed kittens."

Felix asks me softly, "So, what did you do?"

"Well, to make a long story short, I needed to make an exit without seeming too conspicuous. So grabbing the nearest bottle of beer, I shook it, uncorked it and sprayed it all over my body and proceeded to get everyone completely drunk while they ate all the food." I say with a grin. "I was wearing a white T-shirt you see."

"You WHAT?"

"Yup. White T-shirt." I say, nodding proudly. "That and the pizza was spiked with a teensy weensy amount of highly potent flesh eating mutant E. coli. Fortunately Ted had lots of booze around, so people don't remember my exit. The crazy painted dude with the cat was asleep on the couch while I made off with his hula skirt."

"What happened next?" Felix asked.

"You know the rest of it," I say, looking down at my now empty cup of mocha. "Ted goes to the hospital with liquidated insides, and the rest of his party follow shortly after. It took a few days to accomplish my mission, but public thinks it was a freak food poisoning accident involving the homemade pork sausages found in his freezer. But," I say with a sigh, watching Felix finish his cappuccino. "…now you know the real story."

"So do you have any more questions for me, or do I get the job?" I ask him with a smile. Although I could do it if pushed, spending my afternoon answering more behavioral questions wasn't what I call very entertaining.

Another gulp from Felix as he nods. "Oh yeah. Of course. OF COURSE! You're hired." he adds, taking out a white envelope and sliding it over to me. Leaning in closely, half to be discrete and half so that he can have a better look at my cleavage, he whispers, "I put the shuriken in there. I'll give you the rest when the job's done. Remember, I want it to look like an accident. No witnesses."

I give him a wink, then surprise him with a warm kiss on his lips. The poor guy will need to sit there for a bit before he can walk straight again. "Purrrfect." I say as I get up. "Call me if you need me…" I added as he continued to gawk, mouth wide open again. Blowing him a kiss, I turn to walk out of the café.

Too bad Felix won't live to watch me finish the job. He should've been paying closer attention to the poison I left on his lips.

I'll have to remember that antidote and raspberries don't go together. Next time, I might try almond. Ah well. Another day, another dollar.

Corpse Flies

2009-02-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

Flesh flies, otherwise known as sarcophagus flies feed on dead or decaying tissue. They're in incredible asset to forensic entomologists because certain species of Sarcophagidae will lay eggs OR live larvae on the body at a certain stage of decay. In other words, some flies like it warm. Others like it cold, and yet others like it nice and mushy. But based on the life cycle of the fly maggot/pupae, forensic entomologists can determine when the individual died.

See a lot of flies like these buzzing around? Chances are that you're at a farm (they eat manure too), something died (like that mouse in the wall of your basement), or your neighbor is hiding something.

On Aging and Memory

2009-02-08T18:27:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine asked me a question relating to aging and memory loss. I thought that it would make a great blog topic, so I put my response here! ^.^

Aging is caused by two factors, both linked to cell division. Cells divide and grow for three purposes: growth of organism, replacement of dead/dying cells, and fortifying the immune system during an infection. Obviously as adults, we no longer grow, so our cells must divide in order to replace other cells. The process of a cell division is called mitosis.

As we age, we lose our ability for our cells to divide. -Cells have the ability to divide continually for a certain amount of time, then as we age, this ability gets lost. This is the reason why older individuals have a very hard time healing, whereas young kids seem to heal overnight!

Why do we lose the ability to divide? The theory is that each time we divide, our cells have to make a new copy of DNA to go into the next cell, right? Well, each time we make a copy, we lose bits of DNA, called telomeres in the process. These telomeres protect the actual ends of the DNA, and keep it from going crazy and haywire. Because they get shorter each time a cell divides, eventually, they run out. The current theory is that THIS is what causes aging.

Think about a photocopy of a sheet of paper. In the "first generation," the original copy and the photocopy don't look very different. But if I keep photocopying the copies of paper, eventually, I begin to lose resolution, things get blurry and fuzzy, and after a long amount of time, you begin to start losing important bits of information.... signs of aging.

-Incidentally, this is also a problem that we are encountering with the cloning process. It seems that when you make a clone using "old" DNA, the organisms that come from it also seem to be "aged" as well, and can suffer complications.

Now the mechanism behind memory loss is different. In general, our brain cells and nerve cells don't divide. This is why when someone has nerve damage, it's usually permanent. There's a lot of research on nerve tissue regeneration (and a whole lot of discussion on stem cells), but right now, we're not there yet. Anyways, we retain a set number of brain cells that retain our memories. However, like the rest of our body, eventually, the "machinery" runs down, and our cells begin to die. Because we can't replace these cells, our memory starts to go away because we don't have as many brain cells as we did before.

*As a sidenote, when you drink alcohol, you kill brain cells. The theory that you get stupider the more you drink? Yup. 'fraid so.

Although another new theory has come out in regards to memory as well. The idea is that we have not necessarily lost our memory cells per se, but we have become desensitized to the things around us. We lose our awareness of the things such as routines, and therefore, do not commit them to memory like we did when we were younger. Studies have shown that when older individuals go through mental exercises to practice mental awareness, they can actually increase memory retention!

So memory loss is actually caused by two things: dead brain cells, and loss of mental awareness and acuity.

What do we do about it? Go to your nearest biotech company and present them with a big fat check to help stimulate the economy of course!

Characteristics

2009-02-05T17:23:00.000-08:00

Subject: Y. Verhoeven
Aliases: Yenny, Yentil, Mouse, Blue, Lady Blue, Blue Kunoichi

Strengths:
1. Able to detect natural gas leaks with just her nose
2. Able to pull something out of her frontal lobe and place it on paper, thus faking her way through 90% of the stressful situations that she is put through on a daily basis.
3. Able to find just about anything on her computer using creative search words
4. Able to cause confusion in any situation within 5 seconds of speaking
5. Makes the best ham on the planet. Hands down.

Weaknesses
1. Shiny things that go *beep beep*
2. Cute puppies
3. Cute baby reptiles (except snakes)
4. Clothes
5. Texting. Does not have the ability nor desire to text message.

Likes
1. Her family
2. Really expensive biotech equipment
3. Good food
4. All things coffee. Strong, dissolve-the-cup type of coffee
5. A warm, comfy soft bed ^.^
6. Lightening fast internet and a laptop that can keep up
7. Open minds and great friends
8. More time

Dislikes
1. Wet bathroom door knobs
2. Cold
3. Escargot
4. People who shirk their own responsibilities
5. Traffic

Strange Habits
1. Eats the chocolate outside a Twix chocolate bar before consuming the caramel then finally the cookie
2. Practices extending her chi when in a crowd to keep people from invading her personal space
3. Jumps up and down on the elevator and does squats, kicks and punches when no one is around.
4. Writes about her blue haired, violet-eyed ninja alter ego on a regular basis
5. Sings at the top of her lungs when driving in the car
6. Must ALWAYS arrange the toilet paper roll so that the flappy part is on the top
7. Must have one cup of coffee every morning, or else she will destroy the universe

Napies at Work

2009-02-02T18:20:00.001-08:00

Must find where they sell these stickers! Only... I'd end up falling face down on my keyboard I bet...

Maryland Entomology

2009-02-01T17:19:00.000-08:00

My first year in Maryland, I've encountered hummingbird-sized wasps, vampire mosquito hordes, and creatures that have way too many legs and move too fast for my comfort. I won't even go into the size of the spiders.

After a thorough research investigation (like bringing in a dead bug to my co-workers and asking them what the heck the thing is), here are a few insects that I have NEVER seen on the West coast but seem to thrive in the Maryland ecosystem:

1. Scutigera coleoptrata, otherwise known as the house centipede. The first time I saw one of these dashing across my basement at speeds faster than a German cockroach, I practically jumped out of my skin. Their legs are like long hairs, and they have eyes and antennae. I was so creaped out that the only thing left of it was a smudge on the wall and an indentation where I was a tad bit overzealous with my shoe.

Surprisingly, these little guys are actually quite beneficial in the house. They eat insects. What I don't like is that they inject venom through a pair of their legs, and that, although rare, it can penetrate human skin. Bleh.

2. Vespa crabro, or the European hornet, likes to hunt at night. Another insectivore, these large and very loud insects hunt yellow jackets and bees. They also like to fly into your house at night when you leave the porch light on and it takes approximately half a can of Raid and 15 minutes to kill one. It probably takes a little longer if we didn't squish it with a shoe after it falls, buzzing angrily across the wood floor. They have a nasty sting, and I'm making sure I never get to experience it! Next spring when they buzz around again, I may try smacking these 1.5 inchers with a baseball bat, but I have this fear that it'll come chasing after me.

3. Photinus pyralis, or the firefly, has become one of my most favorite insects of all time. Considering that I've never seen one until moving to Maryland, you can only imagine my childlike wonderment at seeing green and yellow glowing lights almost magically zipping around and disappearing in clumps of woods in our front yard. I remember driving home from work, almost crashing into the neighbor's car as I watched their magical dance across my lawn. First thing I did, dressed in a smart business suit and slim boots, mind you, was to jump out of my car and catch one in the garden! OMG! THEY'RE BEETLES!!! Too cool. I have to admit, both my son and I thoroughly enjoyed watching the jar full of fireflies under the covers that night. ^.^

We let them all go in the morning, of course.

Pet Rocks

2009-01-31T18:47:00.001-08:00

My first introduction to the pet rock was in preschool. We sat in a little circle surrounding several pet rocks set out on the floor. Our teacher told us that if we were very quiet and good, the rocks would move.

All of us remained motionless for an extremely long time, maybe even for an entire thirty seconds. Suddenly this little girl across from me yells, "Hey! I saw that one move!" Soon, the whole class is in an uproar over seeing the moving rocks. Being the little naive kid that I was, I didn't see a single one move. I squinted. I stood still. I stared. Yet despite my best efforts, the rocks didn't move for me. Naturally, not wanting to be left out, I succumbed to peer pressure and chimed in, exclaiming very proudly about the rock right in front of me moving. Deep inside though, I was hurt that the rocks did not love me.

To this day, I still have dreams about being in that darkened room with the other kids. Only in my dreams, the rocks dance around the room and talk. >.>

Pet rocks come with very simple care and maintenance instructions. No need to feed them, and they are born already potty trained. Commands such as "sit" and "stay" are almost instinctive, and with very little effort, you can even train them to attack.

I keep mine next to my vase-shaped bonsai kitty. Although they aren't the same species, at least little Puss 'n Vase doesn't get too lonely when I'm at work.

Rumor Bustin'

2009-01-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

Two nasty biological rumors that I want to clarify and set aside for the general benefit of mankind:

1. Being cold will make you catch a cold.

My mother still believes this. However, you can't catch a cold unless you have a virus first! No virus = no cold. Why is it that we get more colds in the winter? For one, school is in session, and unfortunately, classrooms are a virtual cesspool for spreading diseases. Also, people tend to stay indoors where the likely hood of contact with an infectious person increases.

Bottom line: You have a higher chance of catching a cold by licking a doorknob than being outside in zero degree weather with just your skivvies on.

2. Cloning is bad because Hitler will be reborn and take over the world.

Psht! First of all, clones are genetically identical. That's it. Identical twins are clones. The cells in your body are clones. Did you know that your eye cell, your bone cell, and your nerve cells are clones? They have (hopefully) the same genetic makeup, do they not? But do they look alike? Nope!

Just because an individual has the same genetic makeup as another individual doesn't mean they will be or act the same. Hitler's clone could grow to be the world's greatest figure skater for all we know!

Also, this rumor that we mad, evil scientists are making clones of each other in the lab so that we can rip out their organs for medical research? ...not happening. Here's why:

a. Remember Dolly the cloned sheep? It took 227 surrogate ewes (female sheep) in order to produce one successful Dolly. Last I checked, we don't have that many human women willing to do something like that.

b. By the time the clone reaches an age where its organs would be "ripe" for harvesting, you will either be dead already, or too old to care.

c. Your clone, being a complete, sentient individual with human rights like you, will probably protest.

d. It's illegal.

Incidentally, we eat cloned cattle all the time. Plants...MOST plants that we eat are now produced from clones (been doing it since forever). In fact, most bananas are genetically identical!

Can you clone your cat? Well, yes. In 2001, CC (stands for Copy Cat) was the first cloned cat produced by Genetic Savings and Clone. Unfortunately, the company went belly up in 2006. Is it possible that we'll have another pet cloning service in the future?
ABSOLUTELY!

Maybe after the recession picks up though... >.>

One more pet peeve.... Revenge of the Office Ninja!

2009-01-28T20:09:00.001-08:00

Don't you hate it when people go through your paperclips and daisy chain them together? *growls*

It adds to job-related stress, and ninja flip outs.

Hint: Always have a stapler and staple remover handy in case of ninja attacks. Ninjas like shiny objects and will be distracted as you attempt to extend your life for several more seconds...

Varying Degrees of Irritation

2009-01-27T18:50:00.000-08:00

I wrote this blog sitting in the middle of an airport waiting for my connecting flight…and started cracking myself up. I’m just kind of goofy that way. As an exercise in creativity, I added varying degrees of irritation that could make a situation worse (some of these things have happened to me, and some have not). This list is not in any means listed in order of preference.
Unfortunately, I haven't quite mastered the html for outlining yet, so please bear with me on the formatting. Enjoy!

1. Toilet paper that breaks up into thumb-sized bits when you try to unroll it
a. Having NO toilet paper – when you really need it…and there’s nothing else within easy reach to wipe with.

2. Wet doorknobs.
a. Wet doorknobs in a public place.
i. …like a bathroom with no toilet paper, seat protectors or paper towels

3. You feel a tickle like something is on your leg. When you reach down to scratch and it crunches and squishes.
a. …and has a lot of little legs.
i. …at least EIGHT of them.
1. …and it bites.

4. People who stare at you. Dammit. I don’t exist! STOP STARING!
a. People who stare at you, then say things like “hey baby,” or, “wuzzup” or “can I take you home?”
i. People who stare at you, try to give you a pickup line, and are old shriveled white men.
1. People who think that just because you’re a small Asian woman, it’s okay to stare, give you a pick up line, and think you’re a little nympho who likes to get it on with old white men.
b. Men who seem to have so much difficulty reading the one or two words that are written across your T-shirt. Hint: Try sounding it out.

5. People who don't understand personal space. –Being from California, I've discovered that my personal space radius is about two inches longer than the average East Coaster.
a. …a person who's personal space is right where you’re standing, and they constantly remind you of this by either hitting you with their bags, bellies, boobs or other body parts. *shudders*
b. …and have bad breath
i. …and body odor
1. … who try to cover their body odor by slathering on copious amounts of perfume or musk, creating toxic vapors able to peel the paint off the walls.
a. …who smoke
i. …and have just gotten out of the rain.

6. Getting carded for taking a cheese sample in a grocery store. ("Excuse me, but are you 18?" *stern look from Mrs. Sample lady with the wrinkly mouth shaped like a dog anus*)
a. Getting carded…for taking a Tylenol sample.
i. …at Wallmart

7. Children from the booth next to you who turn and either make faces, talk to you, or play with your hair while you’re eating and trying to have a conversation at a restaurant.
a. Children who peak under the toilet stalls while you’re taking a pee

8. Drivers who drive below the speed limit, or who can’t see
a. All the above, and are trying to read a map because they’re lost
i. …and talking on the cell phone to get directions.
1. ...then suddenly slam their breaks stop in the middle of the road because they missed their intersection.

9. Cats who sleep on your face, or rub up against you…constantly… like you’re a walking piece of catnip (I’m allergic)…
a. …that drool and chew on your hair.
i. …then pukes or "scents" your belongings with cat pee.

10. Doggie poo in the most unexpected and random places

11. Waking up and finding that your pet python has escaped its cage and is now curled up next to you for warmth.

12. The ferret that chews a hole in your dresser drawer and is now nesting in your underwear.

13. People on the airplane who get sick and vomit in front of you. No matter HOW much Dramamine I’m on… it just does it to me every time.
a. People with EXPLOSIVE vomit on the plane that sit next to you.
i. The smell that lingers
1. …in your hair

14. Dogs that are twice as large as I am who jump up and squish me.
a. Ankle biters
i. Crotch sniffers. Wrong time, wrong place, and wrong species.

15. Baggers in the grocery store who have to look at what you’re buying and comment on it. Just because I’m buying cucumbers, carrots, bananas, and other assorted produce that’s over 4 inches long doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making vegetable soup and fruit salad.
a. Guys that hit you (literally) with their shopping cart thinking that it’s a great pickup line and that you’ll be instantly attracted to them due to their affinity for creating road kill.
i. …they start talking about your vegetables

16. People who stare at your mouth constantly when you talk to them, yet don’t have the decency to tell you that there’s some bit of food stuck in your teeth.

17. Stores that put the smallest-sized clothes on the top shelf, right out of reach from your outstretched fingers

18. The Styrofoam container that constantly squeaks when you drive because it’s rubbing up against something, and it’s in the back seat where you can’t reach it.

19. Peeing in the woods…looking up…and seeing that people on the trail behind you are watching as you pee in the woods.
a. Having poison oak brush against you as you pee in the woods

20. When you sit at a traffic light and the person in the car next to you is picking their nose
a. When the kid in the car next to you picks their nose…and eats the booger.

21. Gorillas who throw their poo at you.

Tet - Celebration of the Vietnamese New Year

2009-01-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

It must be an east coast thing, but everyone I run into calls it "Chinese" New Year here. HeellLLOOo! The Chinese aren't the only ones that celebrate! The more "PC" term would be "Asian New Year," since most East Asian cultures celebrate.

In Vietnam, we call it Tet, and this is the year of the Water Buffalo. There's a custom in Vietnam, which says that what you do today sets the tone for the rest of the year. So. With that said, I've used my stress ball, practiced my breathing techniques, and been a very, very good girl! ^.^ No tylenol or medications, plus only ONE cup of coffee. See? Way better than those resolutions, right?

Err... I'd go into details about water buffalo years, but I don't believe in horoscopes. Ironic since I personally am a classic tiger, and my grandfather made astrological charts on his grandchildren (which were eerily true...). ^.^

Chug Mung Nam Moi Everybody!

One of those days...

2009-01-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

Instead of rocks, I've hit asphalt!

I guess that's the problem with getting too comfortable in your field. When it comes to breaking into new territory, you sometimes forget how hard it was to dig the first time.

Picture is from the I Has a Hotdog site.

My Diet Coke and Mentos Habit

2009-01-23T20:06:00.000-08:00

Science: Taking ordinary things and making them extremely volatile and dangerous. You gotta love it! ^.^

Enjoy!

(You should see what we can do with a bottle of draino!)

Indomitable Spirit - Chipping Away at Rocks

2009-01-22T19:30:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of working for one tough, VERY tough lady. She came from the philosophy that you must break your employees down, then rebuild them into the people you want them to be. On my last day working for her, she said that she had finally gotten the "mediocrity" out of me. Wow. ^.^ I'm not mediocre!!!

She also gave me advice about rocks. There are times, she said, when you dig into the ground, and the soil is really loose and easy to work with. Then your shovel will hit a rock. If it's a small rock, you can dig it out. If it's a large rock you can find ways to dig around it. But sometimes, you're going to hit one freaking fat boulder that won't budge, and instead of going around, you MUST go through.

Failure is not an option.

So. What do you do?
She told me that the difference between successful people and mediocre people is that you never let the boulders impede your progress. Although the boulder is in your way, find other things you can do to press forward. Push other rocks... dig in a different direction.

Every day, test the boulder. It still may not budge, but chip at it. Move it. Smack it at a different angle. Maybe today it won't move. That's okay. Push the other rocks in your path while you find a solution to move your boulder. One day, it's going to move. One day, as you push the other rocks, you'll find that stick of dynamite to blow that sucker way the heck outa Dodge!!! As long as you work on the boulder a little bit at a time, eventually it'll happen.

Until that day happens, you will have still moved a ton of dirt and rocks while you wait. THAT'S progress. ^.^

-One other thing I wanted to point out. Remember that point about the difference between successful people and mediocre people? If there's a difference, than success has nothing to do with luck. It means you have to find out what that difference is...and NOT be mediocre.

Indomitable spirit. Ala bedrock.

Collectable Bonsai Kitties

2009-01-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

From the ancient Asian* fusion of Chinese foot binding and Japanese Bonsai comes the Bonsai Kitten!.**

(Note: No kittens were harmed in the writing of this description)

The concept:
1. Inject kitten with muscle relaxants then shove into a glass container using a shoe horn. Container has been pre-drilled with air holes, feeding hole and "excretion" hole.

2. Place feeding tube in kitten's mouth and feed with a nutrient slurry containing decalcification agents to allow its bones to re-ossify into the shape of the container.

3. Seal kitten anus with superglue and insert a waste tube into the waste hole. The kitten will then develop a "natural rectal diverticulum" around the tube as it grows. Attach other end of tube to a colostomy bag.

4. Once kitten has grown to maturity, break container. Voila! Vase-shaped kitten!

You can also have a cylinder, rectangle, conic cylinder, or even...dog shaped kitties!

Personally? I opt for a square-shaped chinchilla. They're much softer, and their teeny little paws are just sooo cyuuute!

*I shudder when someone uses the term "Oriental" unless it refers to a rug - another blog at another time
**Please tell me you're not buying this. Please? Otherwise can I refer you to the aluminum foil deflector beenie blog, too?

Democracy Among the Microbes

2009-01-20T11:19:00.000-08:00

In light of today's historical events, I decided to NOT talk about our new president. I figure there's a lot of other bloggers out there that can do a way better job of it than I can! So instead, I shall talk about democracy of a different kind: quorum sensing.

In a nutshell, quorum sensing is how certain bacterial communities determine when to do something once they reach a particular population density. What they "do" depends on bacterial species and where that particular species is growing.

For example, see that picture of glowing green bacteria? These bacteria, found in squid eyes, are called Vibrio fischeri. At populations of less than 10^11, (that's a 1 with 11 zeros behind it), they don't glow. However, when they reach populations of over 100,000,000,000 cells, we get glow!!!

Bacteria also use quorum sensing to secret toxins that stop the growth of other bacteria. -Or to orchestrate an effort to suddenly overthrow a host's immune system and give it a bad case of pneumonia! Muhuhahahaaa!

In any case, quorum sensing allows bacteria to not only sense how many other bacterial cells are out there, but it also directs a large population of bacteria into doing something that, in small numbers, would be impossible to do.

How is it done? Err... that would be a topic for another day.

Quorum sensing - committees that actually work!

Mr. Peanut Gets Revenge

2009-01-19T14:07:00.000-08:00

I threw away the peanut butter sandwich crackers in my cupboard today. Until the FDA clears it, peanut butter or peanut buttery type products are not safe to eat. This includes cookies, crackers, candy and ice cream. Why? Salmonella typhimerium contamination. In other words, Salmonella!

I've been following this outbreak for the past few weeks now. According to the article from the Centers for Disease Control (located in Maryland, btw), the outbreaks originated from peanut butter produced by the Peanut Corporation of America processing plant in Blakely, GA.

My question? You get Salmonella by eating foods contaminated with animal poop. HOW DID IT GET INTO THE PEANUT BUTTER?! o.O

In case you get hit by the Salmonella bug, or any other diarrheal bug for that matter, here's what you need to do:

1. Let it run baby, let it run!
Diarrhea and vomiting are GREAT ways for your body to get rid of the bugs that caused the problem. By taking medicines to stop the diarrhea, you are really prolonging the agony, so to speak.

2. Drink LOTS and LOTS of water, or preferrably, gatoraid, sodas or drinks with electrolytes.
Without getting into too much gory detail (although I could), your intestines are not absorbing the water that your body needs when you have diarrhea. It puts you at risk for severe dehydration and electrolytic imbalance. To make sure that you are getting enough liquids, keep drinking. What's more, keep drinking stuff that has sugar and salt. PEDIALYTE! AVOID milk and diet drinks. You don't need to worry about calorie counting right now!

3. KISS - Keep it simple, silly! Meaning, stick to a very simple, low fat, low milk diet.
I like the BRAT diet because it's easy to remember: Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. -No reason you can't also throw in a bowl of low fat chicken soup, or Vietnamese pho, mind you...

4. Practice anti-socialism.
Wash your hands and stay home from work or school until you are no longer an infectious walking bag of germs. PLEASE.

Take it easy for a few days. If it's Salmonellosis, down time is about 5-7 days.

See a doctor if you don't improve in a few days, have a high fever, severe dehydration (can't drink or eat, faint...), cramping, bloody diarrhea or other underlying medical conditions.

Lastly, no peanut butter cookies for a while, okay?

March of the Caprellidae

2009-01-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

Caprellidae shrimp are native residents in the Bodega Bay mud flats. They cling to the flat eel grass blades with four tiny segmented legs while the other two wave, praying mantis like, into the water to catch small particles of food. Their cute little heads have two long, extended antennae that bob around when they move or when you touch them.

I spent three months on the mud flats studying these little critters, only to find that I can't seem to remember what my conclusions were on them.

One thing's for certain. They are not very tasty.

True Love...

2009-01-17T20:23:00.000-08:00

...is a Keurig coffee maker bought by your loving samurai.

Gimme shiny, electronic gadgetry and mix it with a potent cup of tasty, caffeinated coffee, and I'm yours forever.

What can I say? I'm totally worth it. ^.^

The Pointless Conveniences of a Modern Society

2009-01-16T20:33:00.000-08:00

The Chia Pet. New! With Barack Obama!
-Has anyone really successfully gotten one of these to grow?

Decaffeinated coffee. Did you know that the chemicals found in decaff in order to de-caff the coffee can be more toxic than the caffeine? Besides which, we all know that caffeine is the best substance in the world, so why deny yourself?

Cigarette filters are made primarily from cellulose acetate, a mostly NON-biodegradable substance that pollutes the environment even after puffing the carcinogen-causing smoke into the air. According to the Wiki, Kent brand cigarettes made filters from asbestos!

A filter on a cigarette is like using a condom with holes. It's not really going to help you.

...which brings me to:

The contraceptive sponge! According to the packaging, the contraceptive sponge is supposed to be a spermacidal barrier, but does NOT protect from STDs. Again, I just can't trust anything with holes in it. Somehow the words barrier and sponge should not belong together.

Crotchless underwear. I don't feel the need to elaborate on this one.

Erudite Lobotomy

2009-01-15T16:42:00.000-08:00

Words slice through the right hemisphere of the brain
Exposing bits of pulsating nervous tissue
Blood
And the necrotizing tumor of the soul.

Nude Mice and Naked Chickens

2009-01-14T18:41:00.001-08:00

There's a difference between a genetically modified organism (GMO) and a selectively bred animal. Selective breeding involves grabbing a boy animal and a girl animal, a comfy nest or bedding material, low lights and lots of Barry White. -This is the "traditional" method.

GMO organisms involve the manipulation of specific genes in a lab (under ultra sterile conditions), lots of petri dishes, and the ambiance akin to a dentist's office with a running drill. In both cases, the organisms come out with (hopefully) traits that we want.

Take the featherless chicken, which was created purely from selective breeding. This "greener" chicken produces no feathers to clog up landfills and pollute the environment like a typical chicken would. There's a lot of opposition towards its existence even though, in the traditional sense, these chickens are no more Frankensteinish than your pure bred German Shepherd. It's hideous looking, as you can see, and more susceptible to sunburns, parasites and other things.

Another selectively bred animal is the nude mouse. Bred since 1937 (before GMO technology), this mouse has no immune system. Because of that, nude mice have helped studies such as leukemia, cancer, organ transplantation and many, many others. From the picture, you can probably surmise why the nude mouse got it's name.

Seriously though....

...aren't all mice nude?

We interrupt this blog...

2009-01-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

To bring you a special announcement:

Saving students from the evil clutches of scientific ignorance is hard work!

Brain feels like it's been stuffed with cream, deep fried and served with a side of chocolate syrup and grits. I'll try using it again tomorrow. Promise!

In the meantime, please enjoy more pictures from the Far Out World bloggy. It's about all I can comprehend right now.

What I Want

2009-01-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

Recently one of my favorite bloggers, Evil J Winter, discussed some of his wants for the coming year.

Erg... forgive me Evil J, but I'm still a tad bit fuzzy about the difference between goals and wants. HOWEVER, you've got me pondering about it all day. Starting in high school, I've compiled a bucket list of things I will do before I "kick the bucket." (I've never seen the movie, but it's on my "to do" list.*)

Never compiled a "want" list until now. But being the slightly anal retentive, obsessive compulsive person that I am, I wanted to make one too! Perhaps this is more of a wishful thinking, snowball's chance in Hell type of list, but if anything, reading it amuses me. Obviously, there's varying degrees of attainability on this...but a girl can dream, can't she?

1. To be in a music video with hellogoodbye.
I wanna be the cute little Asian geek in the pigtails and school girl outfit.

2. To be a co-star in the show Mythbusters, or to have my own show like Bill Nye.
-No offense Kari Byron, but I've got more science smexy in my little pinky than you do in your entire body. Oh, and I have the best kung fu.

3. To stick my head in a tiger's mouth and survive with no injuries.
They're so pretty, furry, cuddly and stripey!

Okay, now for the stuff I think I can get if I play my cards right and work hard at it:

1. To publish my own comic series on Lady Blue. Those of you that know me well, you understand that this will only be a matter of time. ^.^

2. To publish a Biology textbook. Again, to those of you that know me well professionally, this too, will only be a matter of time.

3. Get my black belt. I've already worked to green, but my job gets in the way. I think that according to Evil J, this would be (like the other two) more of a goal than a want, but there's factors in here that are beyond my control.

I also want to bring my skill level to a point where I can do a series of board and brick breaks to impress my boss's boss. He challenged me to a board breaking contest once, and I declined. After all, I was wearing heels and hadn't warmed up. One day though....I want to see how many he can break!

Hmm... and that's about it. It's a fairly short list because I'm the type of person that usually gets what I want.

That, and I'm very happy with what I already have. ^.^

*I've got a bucket list, to do list, grocery list, want list, need list, wish list, supply list, equipment list, goals list, resolution list (which, if you've read my previous bloggies know that it's not written and entirely in my head), listserv, addy list, friend list, contact list, and Listerine, which I keep in my desk drawer and use religiously first thing when I get into work.

Sanitize That Please!

2009-01-11T12:47:00.001-08:00

It's all happened at some point in our lives: Office co-worker sneezes, then goes to grab a bagel from the office lounge. Their sputum-sprayed hand grabs the handle of the butter knife in order to spread cream cheese over their pastry before returning the now germ-laden utensil back into the container.

Or worse yet... office co-worker leaves the rest room without washing their hands, and then cuts the cake at the office party.

*shudders*

Unwashed hands are responsible for causing the spread of diseases such as colds, flu, pneumonia and diarrhea. Disgusting.

I know it's the super paranoid bionerd in me talking here, but let me explain:

1 in 4 cases of diarrhea are caused by germs spread through unwashed hands. The pathogens (disease-causing organisms) that cause diarrhea are found in your poop. Yes, your poop. This is what we biologists describe as the "fecal oral route." ...get my meaning? Without being too explicit, think about just HOW would someone manage to EAT these pathogens, hmm?

Salmonella, camphylobacter and enterohaemmorhagic E. coli (the E. coli outbreaks we hear in the news) are all caused by enteric bacteria. Enteric, meaning bacteria in the gut and in the poop.

Why does it make us so sick? Well, salmonella and camphylobacter (we biologists affectionately call it "campy") are naturally occurring bacterium in chicken poop, but not in ours. Both are spread by uncooked or poorly prepared poultry or eggs. Whenever we get an introduction of bacteria (think about HOW it's introduced - there's really only one way) that doesn't belong, it makes us sick.

The E. coli outbreaks we hear about are bacteria that generally come from cow poop. So yes, you are definitely thinking what I'm thinking. We eat fecally contaminated foods every day. That's why proper preparation and cooking are important!

Influenza virus (the bugs that cause flu) are spread by water droplets when someone sneezes, coughs, spits, etc. They can remain virulent (active) for over 48 hours on surfaces like a doornob, a keyboard, a serving spoon in a buffet, a wadded up kleenex, a supermarket cart handle, etc...

So what can we do about it?

1. To prevent the spread of disease, WASH YOUR HANDS! The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recommends vigorously rubbing your hands under hot soapy water for 20 seconds. -I usually sing the theme song for Dora the Explorer, We Love DNA, or Happy Birthday. Any of these choices will last 20 seconds. Next, completely dry your hands. If there's no paper towels available and no blower, I get creative and opt for seat protectors or toilet paper.

Wash your hands more often if you or people around you are sick. Also avoid touching your face. This helps the spread of zits, too!

2. Don't touch ANY surface when you're in the bathroom. A public bathroom is a disease infested cesspool. I practice the "hover" technique over the toilet. (Girls, you probably understand this more than the guys. -This can develop your thigh muscles too!) My post excretion routine involves flushing with my foot, covering my hand with toilet paper to lock and unlock the stall door, and using my elbows or paper towels for sink handles, towel dispensers, and door knob.

3. If you're sick, refrain from shaking hands. When I'm ill, I fold my arms and do a modified bow, apologetically telling whomever it is that I can't shake their hand because I don't want to get them sick. Trust me, people appreciate the gesture more than giving them a cold!

4. Sneeze or cover your mouth with your upper arm or shoulder, NEVER into your hand. Think about it for a minute. It makes sense!

5. When preparing food, use separate boards/utensils for raw meats vs. cooked foods or veggies. Call me extremely paranoid, but I have a bottle of 10% bleach that I use to spray down boards, countertops and the outsides of melons. If you read the story link, you'll understand why.

6. For you smokers out there - I have a TON of advice for you, but for this bloggy, I'll stick to: If you prepare raw meats, refrain from smoking. ...remember that fecal-oral route I described earlier?

7. Lastly, when you're in a restaurant or food court bathroom, watch the restaurant workers closely. If they do not wash their hands when they leave the bathroom, RUN AWAY AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

Unfortunately, you can't do the same to your co-workers, but plastering the bathroom with Hand Washing Signs DOES help! I also like adding this little ditty:

If you tinkle
When you sprinkle
Be a sweetie
And wipe the seatie!

Happy Handwashing!

Lovely Jane

2009-01-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

(Please enjoy one of my short story attempts. I was inspired by a song called "Lovely Jane" by Dag. If you click on the music player below, you can hear the song. Please enjoy!)

Copyright by Yen Verhoeven 2007

Lovely Jane

Jane added her last bit of makeup in front of the mirror. She puckered her lips once, adjusted the black cross choker around her slender neck and winked at her image with a long lashed eye. The black lipstick was a pleasing contrast to her pale, milk white skin. A final tug of the laced-up corset on her hourglass figure, and she was ready for the night. She walked by her dozing boyfriend, blowing a kiss to his prone muscular form…his limbs tangled with the sheets, before closing the door with a click.

The cab dropped her off in front of the night club. She gave Leo a generous tip and a kiss on the cheek before stepping out onto the street. The sight of her trim body, ghost white save for the black makeup, freckles and shock of red hair seemed to attract everyone’s attention as she marched right up to the club’s bouncer. He let her pass with not so much as a cursory glance.

Snow was dancing among some rather large men. Her long, raven black hair almost touched the floor as her lithe figure moved with the music. She smiled radiantly when she saw Jane approach, forgetting the men; opting to give Jane a hug and a passionate welcoming kiss.

“I was wondering when you would show up!” Snow’s face lit up, momentarily overshadowing the dark, sunken circles around her eyes.

Jane returned the kiss, wrapping her arms around Snow’s waist. “What, and miss a party with you?”

They danced for a bit, their slender limbs entwined and swaying to the music. Jane leaned over and whispered something in Snow’s ear, and they left for the night, hand in hand.

Snow’s apartment was dark, with a single yellow light bulb illuminating the small studio. On the nightstand was a picture of Snow, and her current boyfriend Jeremy; a rather greasy looking fellow, with tattoos that snaked all over his arms as he held the small girl tightly around her waist. Jane sat down on the bed and took a cigarette out of her cleavage, offering Snow one as well.

“I don’t smoke” Snow said, waving away the cigarette. She seemed to shrink in her apartment, wringing her hands nervously as she sat next to Jane. The girls had known each other for a few months now. In fact, the only reason Jane was even allowed near Snow was because Jeremy, the owner of the club, had fantasies about both women in bed.

And now, as Jane blew a gentle breath of smoke into Snow’s face, his fantasies may come true. Involuntarily, Snow took in a breath, inhaling the white cloud, and seemed to visibly relax. She breathed in more, and her eyes became slightly unfocused.

“Jane,” she whispered, “you always make me feel better when you are here.” Snow leaned her head on Jane’s shoulders and cried. “I need to tell you something. I HAVE to tell you. It’s about Jeremy…” She hugged Jane tightly and inhaled more of the smoke; the unusually sweet scent seemed to mix well with the fragrance from Jane’s hair. Snow’s small frame shuddered, as if cold.

“Let’s take a bath.” Jane stood up and made her way into the tiny bathroom, leading Snow by the hand. They drew the hot water, and both girls sat in the tub. Jane took another long drag of her cigarette, blowing it into the air before speaking. “Snow, you can tell me everything. You can trust me, you know.” She kissed Snow on the forehead, and held her hands under the warm water as she listened.

Snow broke down and told her everything…all of Jeremy’s secrets and his illegal doings. She poured her heart out to Jane, and didn’t even notice when the slits were made. Jane continued to listen, and smoke. The fumes seemed to cloud Snow’s mind into a haze. Jane watched and listened as Snow’s blood clouded the water. Snow’s words began to slur as she got dizzy from blood loss. Towards the end, Jane held Snow close to her breast, kissing her on the forehead as she died. Later, she rested Snow’s body peacefully against the wall of the tub, careful to not get any blood on the floor as she crept out, cleaning herself with the special cloths she brought in her purse. After flushing the evidence down the toilet, Jane dressed and left the apartment discretely.

The evening air felt wonderfully refreshing when it hit her skin. Jane took in a deep breath, clearing her head before crossing the street, removing the phone from her purse. Before she could dial in the number, she felt a sharp pain at the base of her neck and raised a hand, as if to slap away a mosquito; surprised to find a tiny dart jutting out from her skin. Her body froze in paralysis as the neurotoxin took over. From the corner of her eye, in the direction of the dart, she saw…..or so it seemed, a person, dressed completely in black, crouched on the sill just outside Snow’s room. She watched in horror as they knelt down and unfastened the tiny microphone that had been taped to Snow’s window. Just before Blue tucked the device into her sash, Jane was struck and killed instantly by a car as it drove down the street. Her dead eyes witnessed the ninja disappear into the silent night.

(Image from Acidic Glamour)

Lovely Jane - Dag

Ah SHOE!

2009-01-09T17:15:00.000-08:00

My shoe is the obnoxiously bright orange neon Converse that stops traffic in a heartbeat. Worn with jeans, shorts, workout pants, khaki skirts or boy shorts and a baby tee, my Chucks are my most favorite wardrobe accessory.

Unfortunately, because I have to uphold a very professional image at work, these little puppies come out to play only on warm weekends and occasional evenings. Maryland winters here are so cold that I have to opt for snuggly boots instead. -I gets cold, cold toesies!

Wearing my Chucks means wearing my personality on my feet. The shoe style says "casual," but the orange screams "SPUNKY! SMEXAAAY!"

A brief scan on the internet dredged up some interesting articles on shoe personality. As Francesca Soroka pointed out, women wearing nine-inch stilettos convey a very different image about themselves compared to someone wearing Birkenstocks. Miss Meghan has built an entire career on shoe style! Way to go!

In case you are curious yourself, go here to find out about your Shoe-Style personality!

On the job, I'm infamous for my over-the-calf, sleek leather boots and pencil skirts. Why? Because when I wear the lab jacket, I'm covered from neck to toe just in case I spill concentrated hydrochloric acid on myself. Being OSHA compliant doesn't mean I have to give up being cute!

Still miss my Converse though....

Oh Sweet, Sweet Achilles Heel.....

2009-01-08T17:59:00.001-08:00

Today I'm going to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart: DESSERT*!

I take food very personally and passionately. Dessert especially. Here's my top five favs:

5. California Pizza Kitchen's tiramisu. See this? With the vanilla sauce? THAT is what makes it one of the best tiramisus ever! Olive Garden has the runner up. Ask them to serve this with vanilla sauce, and it's almost like CPK's.

4. Buca di Beppo's tiramisu is the best in the world! The stuff burns because they put real Kahlua in it. It also comes in a HUGE bowl (they're made for a group of 4-6). I was at a conference in Pennsylvania one time, and took down one of these sweet babies almost entirely by myself. Unfortunately I had to stop talking because I could feel the buzz. When I get buzzed, my brain filter shuts off. :P (I'm a lightweight, I know! More bang for your buck I guess...)

3. Carolina Kitchen's red velvet cake is so good that when you take a bite, the sun shines and the angels sing. I've never had red velvet cake until moving to the east coast. What I can tell you is that I've never HAD red velvet cake until coming to Carolina Kitchen. There's something about the combination of rich sweetness and gobs of cream cheese frosting that just make you feel happy. YOW! Compared to Carolina Kitchen, everything else is just... tough oily slabs of red-dyed carbohydrate dressed in sickeningly sweet trans fatty death.

2. Passion fruit mousse cake from Ciocolat is made with alternating layers of airy, almost-there tropical mousse and sweet white cake with a smooth, creamy frosting that underscores the passion fruit flavor. You'll take a bite and want to slap someone. My GOODNESS! They also have sinfully sugary cookies, and their fruit tarts are second to none. *sighs* I miss the West Coast!

1. Imagine syrup-soaked buttery layers of moist cake coated in fluffy, barely sweet whipped cream and covered with an almondy layer of marzipan "frosting." The princess cake at Gayle's Bakery is so freakingtastically good that you have to have a moment of silence before your taste buds can fully appreciate this delicately sweet, sinfully moist, satisfyingly fattening piece of heaven. If I say more about this dessert I'd have to put an 18 and up rating on my blog. Let's just say that even thinking about this tasty cake causes my mind to stray towards the more erotically pleasurable things in life. It's THAT good. It's dayuMn good with a capital MMMmmmnnn...

Honorable mentions:

El Torito's chocolate volcano cake.

Sweet Inspiration in San Francisco, CA has the best hunking slab of strawberry shortcake on the planet. They also have a great poppyseed cake too!

The Elephant Bar's mudpie has no equal. The only reason why I don't have this listed in my top five is because I'm lactose intolerant, and this would put me over the edge without my Lactaid pills. (See my bloggy on farting and you would understand.) Unfortunately, I have ordered this mudpie despite the consequences of not having my Lactaid pills, knowing full well the repercussions. But dammit, this pie is so good!

Ruth Chris's caramelized banana cream pie is also a winner! The sugar crystals add a nice crunch which contrasts with the banana slices and pudding-like cream.

Lastly, I must mourn the loss of Fuzio's black-and-white affogato. If it weren't for the fact that they took this dessert off the menu, it would've been my number one. Scoops of chocolate and vanilla gelato topped with real whipped cream and drowned in pure expresso. *sighs* When they discontinued this dessert, a piece of me died. I will never forget you affogato. You and I had good times. Good times.

* See, I even remembered to spell "dessert" with two s's because they stand for "Strawberry Shortcake" ^.^

Green Ham?! Triumph of the GloPig!

2009-01-07T18:39:00.000-08:00

Another biotech miracle, or freak of nature:GloPigs!

Well, actually they aren't called that. BUT, these little piggies DO glow green when hit with a blacklight. In fact, when these green porkers first came out in 2006, it was a HUGE deal in the scientific community too! Here's why:

A glopig is actually a transgenic animal. -An animal that has had its genes altered. In other words, Taiwanese scientists placed a jellyfish gene into their pigs' DNA to make it glow. Now, before you guys freak out on me, do understand that we've been messing with genes for YEARS! DECADES! CENTURIES! I mean, do you think that something like this sharpei is normal?!

Before the advent of gene splicing, humans have been altering genes through a process called artificial selection. This is how we've made such foods like corn and tomatoes, and animals like cows, chickens and chihuahuas. Cows and chickens were "domesticated," meaning that before gene technology, we picked the dumbest, meatiest, tastiest animals we could find to breed. Corn is an actual genetic derivative of maize, a naturally occurring plant similar to wheat...a weed!

Current biotech, and transgenic organisms are just a better, more efficient, sexier way of swapping genes than artificial selection. We still get what we want without the nasty side effects (think about that little doggie up there). Besides, it'd be damned near impossible to breed a pig with a jellyfish... Even Barry White can't help us with that one!

Anyhoo, going back to glopigs... The idea of putting a glowing gene into an animal's DNA has been around for quite a while to study and understand gene expression. Thinking back to basic bio, remember that not all of our genes are turned on at the same time. By putting a glowing gene into specific places in our DNA, you can figure out what genes are turned "on" (when it glows) and what's turned "off."

Case in point, look at these mice. The jellyfish gene, which codes for the Green Fluorescent Protein, or GFP, only glows in their ears, tail and feet. What this means is that the particular gene that these scientists are studying is ONLY turned on in these areas.

By knowing where genes are expressed, and HOW they get expressed, we can find better ways to control certain genetic defects or disorders. Conversely, if we can find genes that are expressed everywhere and every time, we may be able to find gene therapies for the entire animal. Remember "gene therapy?" It was a huge thing in the 80's and 90's.

Dr. Wu Shinn-Chih's glopigs are a hit because he was the first one to express GFP in the entire organism! The FIRST!!! The ENTIRE organism! Meaning, green skin, green eyes, green liver, green tongue, green BACON. Green everything! Now THAT is pretty damn cool.

Once we get chickens involved, we've got Dr. Suess's book allllll taken care of!

Green Eggs and Ham anyone?

Say NO to Mind Control!

2009-01-06T18:32:00.000-08:00

...with the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie!

HA! Take THAT, super skinny aliens with crystalline skulls and freakishly long limbs!

Your mind control plans to take over my body and rule the world have been foiled again!

MUHUHAHAHA!!!!

On Farting, Flatulence and Making Cheese

2009-01-05T17:14:00.000-08:00

Gas. Everyone has it. In fact, we poot 1-4 pints of gas (called flatus) on an average of 14 times a day!

What causes it? We eat, drink, and swallow small amounts of air which can either be released through belching or, if it goes through the entire system, farting.

As Colin Powell will tell you though, flatus isn't JUST about the intake of air. Hence the term, "Silent but deadly." In addition to ingested air, the bacteria in our lower intestine LOVE to break down certain carbohydrates found in foods. This breakdown creates a combination of byproducts such as hydrogen, methane and sulfur! (The stinky egg smell that brings tears to your eyes.) These gasses build up in our lower intestine and rectum until thar she blows.

Incidentally flatus, only it's not called flatus, is what forms the holes in swiss cheese. To make swiss cheese, bacteria are introduced into a milk/enzyme slushie and incubated at body temperature. As the cheese forms, bacteria eat the lactose (a type of sugar) in the milk and produce gas. This gas gets trapped and makes holey cheese! Fondue anyone?

...and you wonder why they call it, "Cutting the cheese..."

More farting facts:

1. The "fart" you hear from ripping one is caused by (and I quote from Wikipedia) "vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks." So instead of clenching to hold the gas in, unclench and let your flatus go! If it's silent, maybe someone else will get the blame.

2. One third of the human population actually produces methane in their flatus. How do you know if your among the lucky 33.3%? Your feces floats!

3. Flatus odor varies depending on a person's unique bacterial mix in their lower intestine, and on what they ate. Take broccoli for instance. In some people, it's a harmless vegetable. To others, it becomes a deadly biological weapon of war and mass destruction. Broccoli + Fluffy = Destroyer of Worlds.

4. Bacteria love carbohydrates like fiber and sugar (found in beans, legumes and fruits). Eat a low carb diet high in fat and protein, and chances are that your gasage will significantly decrease.

5. Beano is an enzyme product you can buy over the counter to silence one's chuff. It works by breaking down raffinose, a sugar found in beans, before it gets to the gas-producing microbes in your lower intestine. Go Biotech!

6. Can you light a fart? I have no idea! But when I lived in an apartment with four guys in college, it helped to keep a box of matches in the bathroom. Believe it or not, it's more effective than an air freshener after a post poop experience.

7. Herrings communicate with each other by farting at night. Fish fart?! Yup! Check it out!

8. Want more? How about a Farting Blog!

9. Run out of fun vocabulary for describing one's toot? Go to the Unabridged Dictionary of Fart Slang." There you'll find ways to colorfully describe your natural passage of gas. My favorite? ASSASSINATION! Get it? :D

Fine, I'll stop writing before my samurai takes away the keyboard...

Toot away my biological brethren!

Dance of the Banana Slug - Yes, Size DOES Matter!

2009-01-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

Up in the redwood covered mountains of Santa Cruz, CA, bright yellow mollusks called banana slugs reside in great abundance. Larger than the palm of your hand, rumor has it that their slime tastes like bananas. However, I've never had the guts to lick one myself, nor have I found a victim willing to do it for me as of yet.

In addition to their unusual appearance, banana slugs are also hermaphroditic and possess hunormous penises. In fact, in the Latin name of one species of banana slug, Ariolimax dolichophallus, dolichophallus means "giant penis." So much so that during mating, if the penis gets *ahem* stuck, its mate will chew it off in a process called "apophallation". (Who said biologists don't have a sense of humor?)

No wonder it's the mascot for U.C. Santa Cruz!

For more info on strange animal mating habits, check out the Neatorama blog. They had stuff even I didn't know!!!

Death of an Interviewee

2009-01-03T17:09:00.001-08:00

I interview a lot of people. After another grueling interview-a-thon on Friday, here's some advice for potential job-seekers:

1. Make sure you've read the job description and that you've specified which job you are applying to.

Sometimes I'll get a random resume from a veterinarian and I'll have no idea if they want to apply for the medical assistant position, or for the custodial position (neither of which is relevant to the resume that they have sent in.)

2. Cover letters are GREAT!

Shockingly, only about 25% of the resumes I receive come with a cover letter. ....guess who gets to go see me for an interview? Oooh, and don't forget to spell check it. If you can't spell "September," than can you spell "polyacrylamide gel electrophoresis" correctly? On that note, if the letter is addressed to me, the name is Yen; not Jen, Wen, Ven or Sally.

3. Please follow the directions when you apply.

My ads say "no phonecalls." Therefore, I automatically bypass resumes from people who call. It may sound cruel, but if you think about it, if someone can't follow simple directions on the application, how can they follow directions on the job?

4. Give a firm handshake.

Have a friend give you a weak, wussy handshake, and you'll see what I mean. When I shake a floppy fish hand, they might as well give me a cold, soggy, used kleenex to go with it. Bleh.

On the same token, don't try to break my hand either. I can't concentrate well on your interview with broken bones. Excuse me, what was your name again? Ow.

5. Don't sound desperate.

If someone tells me "I really need this job" or "I really need the money," it terrifies the bejeebies out of me. It means that they don't care if they are qualified and would drop me if Krispy Kreme offered a more competitive salary.
(No offense, Brian. I LOVE Krispy Kreme!).

6. At the interview, don't faint, apologize profusely for being hung over, cry, forget the papers you were supposed to bring, or talk about your anger management issues.

To me, an interview is a conversation. As far as I know, there's nothing really intimidating about a 5 foot petite asian woman with a lab coat and pocket protector; but for some, it's enough to put them over the edge! Egads, wait until you meet MY boss! Or heaven forbid... a classroom full of students! Oh wait...your the same dude that tried to break my hand.

Also, please shower, wear deodorant, and tone it down on the Chanel 5. Although it isn't the deciding factor on whether or not you get the job, for heaven's sake, I have to be in the elevator with you!

7. DON'T hit on the interviewer.

Bad. Just...very, very bad. Like, I could write entire blog on the many ways that this is so wrong.

Lastly, be yourself... PLEASE. I mean, you have to work with this person. An interview isn't just about getting the job. It's also about determining, in that small amount of time, who your future coworkers may be that you will see each and every day! If you can't stand me for five minutes, imagine seeing me for roughly 241 days out of the year!

Picture from I Has a Hotdog

California Dreamin'

2009-01-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

Christmas means celebrating in California with ornately wrapped presents, rum filled chocolates, suicidal, muscle tenderizing jogs with daddy dearest, and plenty of pho. Thank goodness for Vietnamese mommies!!! ^.^

I am proud to say that I survived internet deprivation with little to no epileptic seizures or erratic gnawing/self mutilation and managed to reach my daily writing goals using my handy dandy little notebook. Some of the hallucinations experienced from this vacation will be placed in this bloggy! -At a later date.

I spent the New Year on the floor in the Oakland airport watching Spiderman cartoons off my laptop while waiting for my delayed plane.

One of my New Years resolutions? Do NOT let my loving samurai book red eye plane tickets on New Years Eve!

My other resolutions? You'll never know. Resolutions are like Birthday wishes. They won't come true if you tell!!! Besides, if you never write them down, you won't remember the ones you broke! :D

Happy Belated New Years Everyone!

(Heh, it's okay. The REAL New Year won't come until the 26th anyways...)

A Very Ninja Christmas - Part II

2008-12-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

As promised, here's Part II of three!

A few hours later……

"Once they killed the secret agents, the pirates took him. However, we found none of Santa's elves with the dead. What we did find were several scared elven townsfolk and a bunch of frantic reindeer. None of them could tell us what happened. Santa's workshop elves have disappeared as well." Colonel Bliksem debriefed a crowded room full of generals, colonels, the secret service, one very embarrassed Ryan, and an attentive Blue.

An enlarged screen above Bliksem flashed images of gutted secret service agents dressed as elves. Their bodies decorated the now not-so-festive Christmas town grounds in the North Pole.

In the brief silence that followed Bliksem's debriefing, Blue stood and pulled out her phone from deep within her cleavage and tossed it on the table. It took the men a moment to pick up their jaws from the floor before Bliksem took Blue's phone and displayed the pirate note on the overhead.

"…Brethren Court?" he asked, looking up at Blue. "We need to find the ship!" Around the room, people voiced their agreement.

"We've already got personnel trying to track down the pirate ship, Colonel," another commander volunteered.

"That isn't good enough." Blue stated. "We need to do something now! Look, read it again. Santa's being held hostage on the Flying Dutchman. THE Flying Dutchman." Gasps before the room went eerily silent. No one had been able to locate the Flying Dutchman. No one. It was a ghost ship that sailed the seas forever. Although the Disney movie, "Pirates of the Caribbean" idolized it as a ship that ferried souls, the ninja and the US Government knew better.

The Flying Dutchman was the last pirate ship to ever exist. During the Ninja v. Pirate conflict, ninja raided the ship and killed every living creature that inhabited it; down to the cat-sized bilge rats. Its captain swore, just as he was being gutted, that he would never leave his ship nor his crew. Since this was a very noble deed for a pirate, he was granted his wish. His dead spirit, along with the crew, would sail the oceans forever. The military has yet to detect, much less find, a ghost.

"Ghosts." Blue mused, thinking deeply to herself. "They must've hired a pirate-like crew. I can't imagine that any of the ghost pirates would be able to do anything more than levitate a candy cane. There must be living men on the ship." Blue said, getting more and more worried by the minute. She chewed on her lower lip while she began thinking of a plan.

"Suggestions?" Bliksem asked.

"OH!" as if on cue, and before any one else could speak, Blue hopped up with a jiggle. "K, I've got a plan! You guys distract. I can teleport through Santa's shadow and send a locator beacon to you. Ryan will parachute onto the deck to protect Santa." Blue drew a boat on the white board, then added a rotund red stick figure and a blue stick figure with breasts. The pirates she represented by multiple stick figures with eye patches. She then drew a plane above, and used an arrow to show Ryan stick figure parachuting down to the deck.

"As soon as Ryan lands, I can…" her eyes glazed over and she grabbed the red pen, popped off the cap and turned to the board, "KILL AND GUT THEM ALL!!!" Blue began to draw glorious depictions on the board of stick figure bits sprinkled liberally with red marker, adding sound effects. "It'll be a slaughter the likes of which Christmas has never seen!!!" She added, drawing red all over the board. "DIE DIE DIEE!!!" She paused to turn. "Ehm… can I have another marker? she asked, looking embarrassed. "This one's out of red ink.".

Everyone was staring at her. "Tee hee?" she smiled cutely as Ryan groaned and slid under the table.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Christmas Eve

"Blue, don't forget that if you pull this, everything goes KABOOM, okay?" Masa said through her blue tooth as she walked with escort on the aircraft carrier.

"Hai! Masa, don't worry. I'm well armed thanks to you guys!" she replied, pulling down her aviator glasses to gaze at the long runway with the line of jet fighter planes. Toshi, Blue's weapons and clothing designer, thought she'd look incredibly adorable in a curve-hugging military jumpsuit, complete with accessible pockets for her vials of poison gas, hollow point needles, shuriken, and kunai. He even included an accessory backpack to conceal her katana and wakisashi. Blue smiled in amusement when one of the troops tripped on his own foot and fell into the man in front of him. Toshi was right. She did look cute!

Blue snapped her gum, and gave one of her disarming, patented bright smiles when Ryan walked towards her; the other officers snapped into a V formation from behind. Before anyone could speak, Blue flung herself into Ryan's arms and delivered a kiss that would make DiCaprio from the Titanic jealous. "Be careful," she said softly, patting his chest and steadying the lieutenant on his feet.

Bliksem cleared his throat, and said, "Miss Blue, are you okay with this? Remember that once you-"

"…get on the ship, press the beacon." Blue finished, patting the top of her right breast where her embroidered name spelled out, "Lady Blue." It was also the place where Toshi had put the button for the beacon. "Gotcha." Blue winked and then stood on her tip toes to kiss the Colonel's cheek. "I'll be fine. Just make sure you can extract Santa before things get bloody!"

Understanding the urgency of the situation, Bliksem nodded, and signaled for everyone to step back. Ryan climbed into his airplane. Ensign Pike, Ryan's wingman, gave him the thumbs up in the jet next to him. Blue's acute hearing caught her telling him, "Don't worry sir. I'll be right there when you need me." Good. At least Ryan would be okay.

In unison, Masa, Toshi and Seiji, Blue's Crew, spoke into her ear, "We'll be with you every step of the way Blue!" Once everyone was in place, Blue closed her eyes, concentrated, and stepped into Bliksem's shadow. Comforting darkness surrounded her as she quickly located Santa. He was a hard one to miss!

Blue peered, looking up from the ground where Santa's shadow lay. She could see that he was tied to a chair with his hands behind him, manacles on his ankles. Three pirates stood guard. Something was very odd about them. Blue tilted her head, studying them curiously. Real pirates…were a lot smaller than she imagined!

As Blue emerged, she pressed her homing beacon, then threw three hollow point needles into the necks of Santa's guards. They silently sank to the floor in a permanent sleep. With half her torso still in shadow, Blue cut Santa's wrists and bindings free. She picked the locks on Santa's ankles as he ruffled her hair playfully, giving her a wink with his twinkling eye. He whispered to her, "Blue, look at the pirates carefully."

Once she ensured that Santa was unharmed, Blue knelt beside one of the still breathing pirates, and moved the familiar tri-cornered hat off his head. She saw…pointy ears!

"Elves!" Blue whispered in surprise. "Elves?!" She looked up at Santa, confused. "But…WHY?"

A Very Ninja Christmas - Part I

2008-12-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

((This is part 1 in a three part series. Please enjoy!!!))

"You've got mail!"

Lady Blue's violet eyes traveled from the terrified mugger, who had the cold steel edge of her poisoned dagger resting against his neck, to the phone dangling from her sash that once again repeated, "You've got mail!"

"..'scuse me." she said, and turned suddenly to answer the phone. Her would-be-assailant-now-turned-victim froze in place when she added, "Don't move" without looking at him. Opening the screen to the text messages,

Seiji's comment flitted across the screen, accompanied by a jpg file: "Blue, I thought you should look at this. Don't freak out too much okay? Your Blue Crew boys are on it. Just drop by the shop before you go ninja on their asses."

Blue shook in rage and narrowed her eyes, muttering, "Over my dead body!"

Turning on her mugger, Blue said, "Change of plan."

From goodness knows where, the small ninja produced a roll of duct tape and proceeded to firmly attach the man to the wall. After a phone call to the local police, she could concentrate on the REAL emergency. Patting the man's cheek, she said, "I'll come for you later." and winked.

"mMMMMMRRRR!" he mumbled, his eyes buggy as wriggled helplessly against the grimy brick in his metallic coccoon.

She needed backup! It was one thing to go raiding a pirate enclave with a take no prisoners and leave nothing alive attitude. Explosives were great for that. To keep old Santa alive however, needed tact.

RYAN!!!

In her "I dream of genie" pose that Ryan found entirely irresistible, Blue folded her arms in front of her, nodded her head, and stepped into the shadows.

She used the shadow gate to locate her sweet little lieutenant, and found Lt. Ryan Wolf hiding in a closet, hunched over some sort of object as Blue appeared behind him.

"….Ryan-kun?" She regarded the man for a moment before tapping his shoulder and scaring the sweet Christmas crap out of him. The lieutenant spun around, his face smeared in jellied donut. He coughed out white powdered sugar as he beheld the petite kunoichi.

"…Blue?" he said, looking rather bewildered and surprised. Ryan took a hard gulp of donut; its box with the familiar Krispy Kreme logo the object of which he had coveted so carefully. It was his weakness. How a man could eat so many donuts and stay so lean and muscular was beyond her.

"Ryan-kun! No time to explain. We need to go!" she yelled, yanking him by the uniformed necktie and dragging him behind her. The bewildered lieutenant barely had a chance to grab his donut box before she burst out of the closet into the bright light.

"…BLUE! Be careful when you-" Too late. The alarm sounded. Blue stopped in her tracks. Ryan grabbed her shoulder as several soldiers pointed their assault weapons at her.

"…open doors like that." Ryan finished, deflating. The soldiers had an amused look on their faces, seeing Ryan with his box. They were not so amused seeing the small lady with the short kimono looking rather out of place in the middle of the military facility.

Holding Ryan in the corner of her eye, the rest of her attention on the men, Blue restrained from pulling out her katana and taking the lot of them out. "Where am I, Ryan-kun?" she asked ever so sweetly, her hand resting by her slender thigh.

Ryan's face went white. He had heard that all too familiar poison in her honeyed voice. It was the same tone she used when coaxing the baddies to give up and surrender; right before she gutted them with the shuriken conveniently strapped to the garter on her thigh. "Blue…" Ryan said as calmly as possible. "We're at the NSA. Please be good." he pleaded. "Please, please be good." Ryan added a little silent prayer as the men came forward. "Just go with the little men. I'll be behind you, okay?"

"What's the NSA?"

Stay tuned tonight....

2008-12-22T03:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'll post up the first of a three part story on "A Very Ninja Christmas." My buddy Charles, author of "Hell Knight" gave me the title idea!

In the meantime, please enjoy a pic from the I Has a Hotdog site. One of my favs! ^.^

Next blog will be up tonight!

One Hour

2008-12-20T17:47:00.000-08:00

I had one afternoon hour to myself. One hour to spend not working, not speaking, cooking, planning, talking or worrying about other commitments. Although people can take it for granted, one hour is a precious amount of time to me.

I have an internal clock that can track time in five minute increments. I have the super ability to keep a conversation down to three minutes or drag it out to fifty. At work, I have a reputation for the five minute interview. It's an art.

So… what do I do with this one FREE hour that was completely mine? Write? Call family? Grab a to go order at a favorite restaurant? Wash the dog? Coffee? Blog? Myspace?

Absolutely not.

I went to Victoria's Secret.

It was a very, very good decision. ^.^

If I Were A Squirrel, My Nuts Would Be Frozen

2008-12-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

To quote my boss, "It's colder than a witch's tit out there!" Struggling to survive yet another butt-arsed cold Maryland winter using a fire, blankets and hot cocoa (I'm not allowed to have coffee after what I did Thursday night… >.<), this tropical Californian transplant looks outside to see our resident squirrel boinging his furry little body on the bungie, stealing more dried corn and sunflower from the feeder.

WHOA. I thought squirrels hibernated!

Not so. After a brief internet research expedition on Squirrel Facts, it turns out that in winter, tree squirrels stay active while most ground squirrels hibernate. To survive, tree squirrels rely on nut reserves that they buried in the dirt and stored in trees during summer and fall. They also supplement their winter fare with the occasional foraged juicy bug, dried corn, peanut or eggroll.

According to Wiki, there's differing degrees of hibernation depending on the species. Hibernation means that the animal goes into a deep 'sleep.' Breathing and metabolism slow down to an almost undetectable crawl and the body temperature drops. A "true" hibernator, like frogs, are unresponsive throughout the winter. They cannot be roused in any way unless you raise the temperature.

Other types of hibernators sleep for intermittent periods of time, waking up occasionally to forage for food and water. I've got a few Biotech students like this. Fortunately, the vending machines are one floor away, so they can quickly find sustenance before returning to their winter slumber in class.

You're probably wondering, "What do frogs and turtles do during the winter?". Fear not dear reader, for I have the answer! Frogwatch says that aquatic frogs and turtles bury themselves in the leaf litter and dirt at the pond bottom. During this time, frogs become inactive and "mushy"; looking rather dead and brown. As long as the pond doesn't freeze over, and as long as the frog isn't moldy, decomposing, or upside-down, they're fine!

If you have an overwintering pet turtle, keep him in a box of dry straw in a cool place. Again, as long as he doesn't start to smell bad, Raphael will be back weilding his sai when things warm up in spring.

Remember the differing degrees of hibernation? Enchanted Learning's Hibernating Animal page, and the Environmental Education for Kids page can help you tell the difference! Bats, woodchucks and ground squirrels are true hibernators. Hibernating skunks and bears are not, and can be easily roused from their winter beauty sleep.

My advice? Think twice about kicking that sleeping bear. Otherwise, you'll become its Christmas dinner! Incidentally, it's okay to disturb a hibernating student. They may actually learn something from the experience.

Here's another cute book in case you're interested: Children's Book on Wintering Animals

Stay warm and cozy everyone!

Writer's Block Laxative

2008-12-19T04:10:00.000-08:00

((Thanks Danny for giving me this idea! With a few embellishments of my own, I took your advice and…it worked!))

Recipe for breaking through writer's block:

3 cans of Starbuck's Doubleshot Expresso and Cream
2 bars of Starbucks dark chocolate + coffee
5 fish sticks
1 large carton of curly fries
1 box of apple juice
½ gallon water
Box o' Almond Roca
1 pair of noise cancelling headphones
iPod downloaded with garage grunge, metallica, and anything upbeat. Make sure you've got LOTS of music. You may be skipping songs to stay in a particular mood

Allow yourself at least two hours for things to take effect. Start with 1 coffee and 1 bar of chocolate. Eat the fish sticks to stabilize your stomach before taking the second coffee. Next, add the carton of curly fries and apple juice. Finish with the last can of coffee and bar of chocolate.

Place headphones over ears and turn iPod to eardrum rupturing level (this is one decibel below acquiring a subgaleal hematoma). Begin writing while liberally eating the almond roca and drinking the water. If you write with a 2B mechanical pencil, like I do, have extra lead. You end up breaking the tip quite often!

**I do not suggest doing this every night, by any means. However, it DID kick start my brain in strange, bizarre ways. I am now feverishly writing things down that should never be seen by human eyes.

For my dear friends out there who have read my previous blogs:
YES, I know my boss will hate me Friday morning. And YES, this is far more caffeine and sugar than the normal cup of coffee I normally drink. YES, I thought my experimental days with unusual substances like fish sticks and caffeine were over too. BUT, desperate times require desperate measures, and I am willing to sacrifice the next three nights of sleep so that I may continue to rave like a madwoman about a scantily clad killer ninja with severe cat allergies that hates all things Martha Stewart.

With that said, I'm going to go decapitate a few adorable kittens now…. ROCK ON!

"Excuse me, but are you the Bio teacher that shot me in the pants when I was a sophomore?" - This One's For You, Mr. Johnson

2008-12-18T04:35:00.000-08:00

Mr. Johnson, my zany, humorous high school Bio teacher had a bumper sticker tacked onto his bulletin board that said, “Bald and Beautiful.” As he bent over the microscope to fix and focus it on a drop of pond water, my lab partner and I would fall out of our seats laughing hysterically to tears because we wanted so badly to rub the peach fuzz on his head. –I was a goofy 15 year old back then.

One day, Mr. Johnson told us to take our lab stools and go outside. He had the entire class sit in the middle of a bunch of rushes on the grass near Elkhorn Slough, an ecological preserve with neat things like hemlock and fairy shrimp. We all thought he was nuts. He told us to sit down and look around at everything. He gave us a speech about all the little details: photosynthesis, respiration, chemotaxis, camouflage, predator-prey interactions… etc. Then he said, “Look at the big picture.” Whenever you're bogged down in the little details, take a deep breath, and look at the big picture of where everything fits in. Look at the sky, the plants, the animals... and where you are. Learn to look at things from a different perspective.

I do this almost every day. Whenever I have that one little student who comes in angry, or complaining...and I've just about had it, I look at the finger painting my little ninja made for me hanging in my office. I then look at my dying plant that I desperately try to keep alive that my other little ninja gave me. Then I watch my pet goldfish, ELISA, give me the "feed me" look because she has a 3 minute memory and I just fed her a half an hour ago. I get perspective.

I take a deep breath, smile in remembrance of the squeaky toy left on the stairs that almost killed me this morning, and put myself into the big picture again. It helps me go on. By the time I've generated the paperwork, signed and placed the student on probation, I can do it with a smile. THEY have to think about the big picture too! ...and as their director, I get to teach that to them.

Over my sophomore year, Mr. Johnson taught us the important things in life such as mitosis, transcription, bacteriology and osmotic eggs. On the last day of school, he had a pair of high powered, 60 cc syringes filled with ice cold water targeted at any student that had the gall to shoot him with a squirt gun. I did. -And paid for it with a pair of soaked pants. He also had very good aim. The following year, I became his teacher aid.

In hindsight, I realize now that he was often very frustrated. I think he felt that his students didn’t care. He was burned out. I remember because he would rub his balding head, sigh, then tell us to do things all over again. He was a perfectionist, and wanted us to be just as enamored and passionate about biology like he was.

At the beginning of my senior year, I walked into the science department that I so loved, and discovered that Mr. Johnson had quit. Mr. Carroll, my chemistry teacher, said that he had moved on to a career in Biotechnology. I guess not having people care really got to him. Although I boldly marched through my Physics class with the rest of them, the science department was never the same for me. It was no longer my home.

Fast forward my life a few years, when it's now ME in front of the class talking Biology. Mr. Johnson is one of the angels that sit on my shoulder. He is the reason I became the teacher I am today. Mr. Johnson was so passionate about what he taught. He LOVED Biology, and he passed his love for it onto me. And now, I get to torture my students with it!

I dream that one day, I will run into Mr. Johnson again, and just spew my guts to him about how he’s been a huge influence in my life. It would start with: I went into Biology…THEN I became a teacher….THEN I became a director…and THEN I became (of all things)…a teacher TRAINER… and THEN……

What would he say when I tell him I use his egg lab? -Or that I teach streaking in the same way he did? (BACTERIAL streaking, not the nakie streaking!) …or that I teach my students about the big picture. In the big picture of things, I was his shadow. In the big picture, he is my idol. When I went through that horrible, bloody rite of passage called Student Teaching, I dreamed of becoming like him.

Unfortunately, trying to find him in this sea of human bodies called America has been darned near impossible. How does one sift through the multiple "David Johnson's" on a listing? "Excuse me, but are you the Bio teacher that shot me in the pants when I was a sophomore?"

Yes, there were students that didn’t listen or care in your class, Mr. Johnson.

-But let me tell you about the life of someone who did.

Thank you. Thank You For Everything.

Coffee

2008-12-17T03:42:00.000-08:00

My boss is trying to get me to go decaff. He says I'm too perky in the morning.

Ironically, I only drink one cup a day. Albeit, that cup could have been laced with 1-3 shots of expresso, but it's still just one cup. Woe unto those who dare suggest that I give up my one cup! It's like brushing my teeth in the morning. If I don't have my cup of coffee, the world just doesn't feel right for the rest of the day. In fact, it feels wrong.

I tell my boss that in college, I was much, MUCH worse. Not only did I drink triple shot mochas on a daily basis, but they would be coupled with a cinnamon sugared donut, or bag of peanut M & Ms, or BOTH! (Had to have my healthy protein!)

I even used to experiment with such dangerous substances like chocolate covered expresso beans, Super dew (Mountain dew mixed with Kool Aid), and Jolt cola. When one of the first energy drinks came out, I had half a can of Xtazy in order to make a 3 hour drive at 2 in the morning with my friends. Needless to say, the resulting 2-3 days of insomnia kept me from ever any of those toxically caffeinated things again!

My favorite cup of coffee comes from Starbucks. You can visit their Beverage Lineup here. The BEST Starbucks? It's a little drive through in Puyallup, Washington. As soon as you take your cup from the barista and sip, you're hit with the realization of, "DAYUMN, this is GOOD!" followed by, "Holy Heck! I didn't burn my tongue!" and lastly, "OMG! And it's just perfectly heated!!!" Now THAT is a great cup of coffee!

IT Stands for Information Technology

2008-12-16T03:35:00.000-08:00

...not to be mistaken for BIOtechnology. But because our nearest IT guy is 45 minutes away and incredibly SWAMPED with questions, I am sadly, the next best thing. People think that because I can separate DNA, I can fix their computer. Strange...I know.
They even have a motto: Yen can do it!

Yeech.... >.< The scary thing is that usually, I can do it! -Which surprises ME!

At least my job has the “tech” in it somewhere.…just don’t ask me to program the remote!

Wanna know my secret? I follow the three steps below. It solves 75% of the IT issues that I get!

1. Turn on the computer.
a. Check that the power is turned on the power strip.
b. Check to make sure all cords are present and they are connected to the correct piece of equipment you are using
c. Find the "on" switch. Usually looks like this:
or this
...sometimes, both switches need to be on in order to get power!

2. Restart the computer.
a. Go to the green “start” and hit “shut down” then shut it down.
b. Hold the little “on” button for a while until the computer shuts off.

3. Log onto the computer
a. Check that your password is typed in correctly, including all capitals, lower cases and numbers. If this doesn’t work than:

Make sure the caps lock is off
I’s (eyes), 1’s (ones) and l’s (elles) all look alike when they are written on a piece of toilet paper. Try retyping the passy with these different combinations.

I feel your pain, my brother. I feel your pain!!!

You can find more here: http://clipmarks.com/clipmark/253C5556-54EB-4933-A355-0BFDC37671BA/

Fast Facts for Monday!

2008-12-15T03:01:00.000-08:00

Being an educator in Biology, I've accrued some of the most interesting biology facts over the years. Here's a fast five!

Earthworms 69. Why? Because they are hermaphroditic, meaning they make both eggs AND sperm. Since the boy end is on one part of the worm and the girl end is on a different part, 69-ing is well.... the only way you can get the parts together. ...sorta. I've always wondered about earthworm orgies, but one has learned not to wonder too too much on that sort of thing. BTW, earthworms are FAR more flexible than we humans will every be....they don't have bones!

Before the biotechnological convenience of pregnancy tests, Egyptian doctors would use female Xenopus frogs. When these frogs were incubated overnight in a woman's urine, they would lay eggs if she was pregnant...and not lay eggs if she wasn't.
Most male mammals have a baculum, or a penis bone. Walruses have the largest baculum on the planet. In case you are wondering, humans do not.
Ever wonder why when you find aphids, you also find ants? Ants "farm" the aphids and eat the "dew" that they produce. What's the dew, you ask? Aphid pee.
According to the National Geographic, Genghis Khan has over 16 million descendants all over the world! How do we know this? Unlike your other chromosomes, the Y chromosome is passed on identically from father to son along the paternal line. You can actually track Genghis Khan's migration across Mongolia by the number of Y chromosomes he happened to "leave" along the way. -VERY interesting article, by the way!

Happy Monday everyone!

Goodbye My Genji

2008-12-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

Writer's note: In case you are wondering, yes...it's true. I've still got writer's block. After following Danny's advice from my Writer's Block blog, I listened to some music to unblock myself. But, with all these Christmas songs in my head, all I can think of is that Santa is a Ninja, and what kind of cookies he'd want by the fireplace this year. More on that later. Here's my cop out - I'm going to post a short story that I've written about Lady Blue. Enjoy!!!

-----------------------------------

Goodbye My Genji
copyright 2007 by Yen Verhoeven

Genji sat straight up on his cot, unable to sleep. His ears straining for a sound, a noise… something in the dark… hoping…hoping…

……for her.

“Are you there?” He whispered into the shadows, and waited…

Moments later, his nose caught the heady scent of sandalwood on the breeze, and he smiled. He licked his dry, parched lips, and sighed.

“Lady Blue, you have come again to visit me. I get so lonely when you do not visit, my Lady. Tonight… “ His shaky withered hand reaches over to grab pen and paper, bringing it to rest on the floor between his bony bare feet.

“They gave me rice paper! Rice paper…for….for you!” The white sightless eyes beamed in pride from his old, wrinkled face. He waited… wondering, like he did so many times before, whether this was only a dream… or a nightmare.

“Genji…” a soft lilting voice that reminded him of a lover’s sigh. Genji felt cool, delicate fingers caress his face, and he heard the familiar rustle of fine gowns as she settled herself in front of him. Her warm breath tickles his ear and neck. The whisper of her seductive voice fills him with anticipation.

“I have another story for you, Genji-chan. One for my pillow-book. You will write this for me, yes?”

Genji nods enthusiastically. “I am ready, my Lady.” He hears the rustle of silk and the tinkling of ornamental bells as his Lady Blue bows to him, signaling that she was about to begin. She tells him of another adventure from lands far away, and in provinces close by. Genji writes. He does not know how he does this…but his words are captured in his mind’s eye, and they appear on the paper, pausing only occasionally to ask her questions to clarify, or slow down her narration so that he can write the details.

Tonight, Lady Blue tells him about a minor battle between two lords, and how she had turned the tides. It was a short piece. Normally, stories took most of the evening. But in this case, it took less than two hours to write down. When she had finished speaking, Genji looks up from his papers.

“Is that all, my Lady?” Genji’s eyebrows creased as he looked up to her with his milky, unfocused eyes. He was afraid she would go. He didn’t want her to go. Otherwise, he would be alone again….with his mind.

“No. I have one more thing, Genji.” He heard her stand up… the whisper of a gown as it slid off the curves of an impossibly perfect body, and onto the floor. His ears strain to hear more, and he jumps when he feels her delicate fingers on his lips.

“Genji-chan, tonight is the last night I will visit you.”

The words are a cold shock to his body. He has had regular visits from Lady Blue. Between the solitude in his cell, memories of her voice...the sounds of her…the smell of her… were the only things that gave him a reprieve. And now that too, would be taken away from him. A strangled sob catches in his throat.

“Nooo….!” He cries out. His hand, without thinking, reaches out in protest…and touches incredibly soft skin. “Please…do not leave me here! Please?” He begs as she grabs his hand and brings it to her face.

“No, Genji…I cannot.” She turns her head to softly kiss the palm of his hand, bringing his fingers up to touch her forehead…her shapely eyebrows… closing her eyes as his fingers explore her face, skimming her features. Genji speaks in hushed awe.

“…My Lady… you are so…beautiful!” Tears pour down his face as she allows him to touch. He burns every detail of her into his mind, vowing never to forget; and yet….

She leans in to whisper to him again. “Genji, my love…. Paint me a picture. Please? A picture…of me?” Her kiss catches him by surprise as cool lips brush against his mouth…the taste of her reminding him of orchids and morning dew…of freedom. He takes in a deep breath… a shaken sigh as she wraps her slender arms around him and consumes him in a blur of distorted thoughts and memories….

Genji stirs from his cot…still feeling the echo of her warm body imprinted on his skin. Her scent is everywhere. It penetrates every pore of his body, and brings him peace. He lays still, listening to the sound of her putting on her clothes.

“Remember, Genji. Remember what you must do when you finish.” She touches his lips once more, kissing him lightly. “Goodbye, my Genji…” And she was gone.

The morning guard opened Genji’s cell to give him his breakfast…and dropped his plate. The scent of blood and bile made him fall to his knees, gagging and retching before he gathered the strength to run and get the others. As soldiers filled the room, they looked in shocked horror and pity. Poor crazy Genji….they thought. The walls were covered from ceiling to floor with drawings, kanji, strange symbols and markings done in blood and feces. Many of these were old. They had tried to keep him from hurting himself by giving him brushes and paper. It hadn’t worked. At night, they even bound him in rope. But for some reason, he always managed to free himself by dawn.

Fresh markings covered the walls, punctuated with tatters of skin, bits of nail and hair where he had bitten and flayed himself. What was left of him was hanging from the ceiling by the sash of his kimono.

Several hours later, when they removed the body and cleaned the cell, a maid found the book. It was tucked lovingly and carefully into the cotton of his pillow and wrapped with scraps of cloth…. Save for the smears of blood, it was written in perfect calligraphy…a reminder of when Genji was the emperor’s personal scribe. On the cover, painted in blood and water, was his last work.

Writer's Block

2008-12-12T03:33:00.000-08:00

Picture me: Munching on a peanut-buttered bagel while occasionally grabbing a sip of coffee as I stuff papers into my portfolio, hoping that somewhere among the pile are the directions to my conference. Once I've got the portfolio in reasonable order, I stuff it into my messenger bag along with the journal that I have gotten into the habit of carrying. It says, "V's Lab Notebook" but inside, I've now got pages of scribbled ideas on the happenings and events of my alter ego. It goes with me almost everywhere now, because for some reason, the ideas are always getting in my head.

Except today. So, until I can think of something to write, here's a word from someone else's sponsor:

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner!
That is what I really want to be.
Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner
Than everyone would be in love with me!

Okay, time to balance coffee, bagel, banana, keys and umbrella as I head out to the car! Have a good weinier day today!

A Well Placed Word

2008-12-11T02:33:00.000-08:00

Why be limited to a handful of curse word vocabulary when you can colorfully express yourself in explicit detail in other ways?

For example, instead of saying, "That f*$#ing dog just s!*t all over my f#@!ing carpet again!" One could say, "The furry bag of evil just unleashed her foul, odoriferous revenge on my maggot-ridden carpet again." or something like that. (Bear with me, I'm writing without a cup of coffee.)

Inspire yourself to move beyond the limits of just f*&$ing procreation and dull s%$#. Why not exercise the right to say "poop" and "fecal matter" and "fermented bits of rotten manure" when referring to someone's term paper that they copied out of wiki? It's far more expressive, don't you think?

The Ninja v Pirate

2008-12-10T02:45:00.000-08:00

And now for a brief discussion on a subject near and dear to my heart: NINJAS!

For those of you that don't know me yet, my alter ego is one spunky, sassy little ninja named Lady Blue. For those of you that DO know me, just...roll your eyes and humor me, okay? For once I think I can go into a brief history on the pirate ninja saga without bursting a blood vessel.

When I can find the site again, I will link it to this blog. But since I can't find it this early in the morning, I shall give you a brief synopsis.

Essentially, when a ninja encounters a pirate, the ninja kills the pirate. Enough said. That's it. End of story.

Why is this, you may ask? Well, for some reason, engrained in the very essence of a Ninja, deep down in their DNA....although some ninja don't have DNA... is the "I hate pirate" gene. -If you can call it a gene. Some ninja are not biologically based, you see. But hating pirates is a part of a ninja's makeup. Being a ninja means that you MUST hate pirates. Down to your very core and being.

Dear Reader: "But aren't you being a little harsh, Yen?"

My answer? "ABSOLUTELY NOT." There's just no compromise here. If you are a ninja, you hate pirate. If you don't hate pirates, than you've now lowered yourself to the realm of being ninja-like, as classified by our designated ninja spokesperson, Ask a Ninja.

Moving on, I'm sure many of you wonder why there is such an extreme case for the dislike of all piratedom and all things pirate. Well, it started (as all things do) with a love story:

Once upon a time, when fictional characters such as ninjas and pirates came into existence, a foolish, foolish ninja fell in love with a pirate wench. Pirate wench mommy and daddy did not approve of the affair and was not able to give the girl their blessing anyways because her ninja boyfriend lopped off their heads.

I'm sorry to say that this little mishap kind of ticked off the pirate wench, and she became annoyed, to which case, ninja boyfriend ended the arguement. Permanently.

You would think that after silencing the parents and the source of conflict, things would be resolved, right? Wrong. Being the very slow, unintelligent beings that they were, pirates did not catch on and decided that they would (HAH) avenge their family members and fellow pirate buddies.

The result? Complete and total annihilation of all things pirate. ALL things pirate. Why? Because ninja are just so damn good at what they do.

"But then why is there still a Ninja Pirate conflict?"

There isn't. Pirates have been extinct for centuries now. Everything pirate that you see is simply pirate-like. However, true, honest to goodness shiver-me-timbers pirates have have been completely eliminated thanks to the awesome efficiency of my ninja kindred. Allowing the concept of the pirate to still exist is a deliberate ploy by the Ninja Counsel to give us an excuse to flip out on occasion and kill people just for fun.

Biotech Beer

2008-12-09T02:35:00.000-08:00

It's a curse and a blessing in many ways to work in the field called Biotechnology. A blessing because when you say "biotechnology" people widen their eyes and go "OOoOOHH!!!"

A curse because then they think we're one of those people, whatever that means. For the general public, biotech has been attached to such concepts as cloning, stem cells, frankenfoods and CSI. I can follow someone's train of thought because that look of "Oh wow, she must be pretty smart!" transforms into horror as they think, "Oh wow, she's cloning Hitler in her basement! Quick Millie, run! She'll yank out your DNA and take over the world!!!"

The classic definition of Biology: The study of life. Biotechnology is simply the study and manipulation of life and it's parts. Yeech...that still sounds horrible, doesn't it? When we talk about "manipulation" of life, think food. Food, at one point, was alive (unless it's a twinkie).

Beer is biotechnology. We grow yeast on hops, let the yeast poison itself to death in it's own alcoholic waist, filter out the dead yeasty bodies and voila! Coors, Miller, Heineken or any variety of poisonous substance you prefer to drink. Incidentally, this was the only way I could get my boss to understand biotechnology. He said, "BEER?! Oh yeah, I understand that. You're making that upstairs?!"

Well, no. Not exactly. The technology is the same! Whether you want to make beer, wine, cheese, insulin, cancer drugs, proteins or any variety of much needed biological products, we use the same technology to grow the microbe (bacteria, yeast, mammalian cells), harvest what it produces (insulin, Herceptin, etc), and purify it out.

Obviously, it's a lot more complicated than that, but at least it got him away from thinking that my students were growing rabid mutant chihuahuas in beakers.

OOH Baby! It's Snow Outside!

2008-12-08T02:14:00.000-08:00

On March 1, 2007, my samurai and I officially uprooted ourselves from the native Californian sun and moved to...Maryland.

Fundamental difference:
March in Northern California means 60-70 degrees Fahrenheit, with bits of green just ready to herald the beginning of spring.

March in Maryland means 20-40 degrees Fahrenheit (for that year) and small bleak piles of snow, with not a single green thing in sight.

About a week into living in our new state, I remember walking out and encountering this...stuff, falling from the sky. Holding my hand out in naive fascination, the mental convo that went on in my head was something like, "Ye GODS! What is this?!" as I was trying to figure it out, tasting...touching....rubbing this odd white stuff between my fingers. "Not snow. This stuff is too wet for snow. Snow is dry! Not rain. Definitely not rain. And...." adding as I almost biffed it on the sidewalk, "slippery. Slushy."

Adjectives were flying through my head as my brain struggled to comprehend this snow-not snow-slush-rain hybrid. It wasn't until I was sliding, literally sliding at 20 mph on an on ramp when I discovered two more things:
1. This stuff is what they called...SLEET!
and
2. Holy CRAP! I'm driving too fast!

Yes. It was an interesting spring in 2007. The 2007 winter later that year was even more "educational" as I slogged and shivered my way through such vocabulary as "wintery mix," "flurries," and "frozen rain." Frozen rain has special meaning to me since the day I walked out to my car from work at 5 pm, and found it encased in ICE. As I chipped my way to opening the door, the naive former Californian that I was turned on the windshield wipers, hit the wiper fluid, and waited for almost 10 uneventful minutes in my frozen tomb before one of my co-workers noticed my plight. If it hadn't been for him, I think I would've been there all night until the sun maybe had thawed me out in the morning!

Needless to say, between my first winter experience and Weather.com, I've learned that you should keep a bag of salt or kitty litter in your trunk along with a shovel and ice scraper (preferrably heated). These things are also handy in case you ever encounter a wild pack of mutant sabre tooth tigers with a bad case of diarrhea and dingleberries.

When your car is a frozen ice cube, use the ice scraper while on high defrost. Scrape, scrape, scrape as the hot blast of air warms up your windshield. You can even buy stuff that has a salt component in it that you sprinkle onto your windshield to thaw it out somewhat.

When driving:
1. Don't drive in bad weather. Of course, if you've been at work for 12 hours or so... this may be something you will probably have to do for fear of going postal. Sleeping in cubicles is not fun.

If you MUST drive in bad weather (like a lot of us do), and in ice/sleet/frozen rain:
2. Drive SLOWLY. -sometimes this means 2 mph in Maryland and will take you 2 hours to get home instead of 30 minutes.

3. Leave at LEAST 3 times the more space than usual between you and the car in front of you.

4. Don't pass the snow plow or salt trucks! The conditions in front of THEM are worse than whats behind them.

5. Brake slowly.... VERY slowly - especially on bridges, since the likelyhood of ice is even higher. You can skid very easily on the ice.

6. This one's a no brainer hopefully, but I've encountered people with no brains so: Turn on your lights!

7. Lastly, when you park, put your wipers up so that they don't stick and freeze to the windshield.

Then heaven forbid, but if you get stuck, the trusty people at Weather.com say:

Do not spin your wheels. This will only dig you in deeper.
Turn your wheels from side to side a few times to push snow out of the way.
Use a light touch on the gas, to ease your car out.
Use a shovel to clear snow away from the wheels and the underside of the car.
Pour sand, kitty litter, gravel or salt in the path of the wheels, to help get traction.
Try rocking the vehicle. (Check your owner's manual first — it can damage the transmission on some vehicles.) Shift from forward to reverse, and back again. Each time you're in gear, give a light touch on the gas until the vehicle gets going.
MORE TIPS

When encountering diarrheal wildcats? Sorry, your on your own. I have no advice for you except...don't give them a ride!

Plight (or Blessing) of the Vertically Challenged

2008-12-07T05:18:00.000-08:00

I'm five feet* and proud of it. That's right. Five feet. Exactly.

For six years, I was the shortest and smallest faculty member at my campus. Now at my new campus, I'm almost the shortest, although I haven't exactly sized myself up with our financial aid officer to really tell. However, by visual comparison we are very, very close in height.

The average height for a woman in America is five feet, five inches according to Wiki. Incidentally, the average female height for a woman of Vietnamese descent (which I am) is exactly five feet! This means is that in America (where I live), anyone who's below five feet, five inches is immediately looked down upon. Well, in a physical way. Height also affects peoples' first impressions of me...until I open my mouth.

Take for example, the most common reply I got when I taught teenagers: "YOU teach high school?!" Followed by, "Don't they run all over you? Do you like it?" Or better yet, "You must get eaten alive!" Then they'd look at me sympathetically for being the small, fragile little teacher that's been released into a cage of savage, wild giant high school students.

Needless to say, my reply would be something like, "Yes, I teach high school." and "Yes, I LOVE it" and "What do you mean, eaten alive? I make football players cry!" ...not as a hobby, mind you. But when it came between a football game and not doing your assignment therefor failing the class (and thus, your academic future), you better believe I'd make 'em cry!

Bottom line is: Don't underestimate people shorter than you. As a colleague of mine used to say about me, "It's not about height. It's about the fact that you're one atomic giant when it came to getting things done. Woe to those that stand in your way!" I may be short, but that means I can take better aim at your ankles and knees.

My hapkido sensei used to say, "If someone shorter is about to attack you, run away! There's something very wrong with that picture."

Living at five feet does have it's...accommodations though. For example, I have a harder time finding things that are stored above my line of vision (above my head). Also, I live my life in the lab permanently attached to a ladder or a chair...or a plastic box that I pray won't capsize when I stand on top of it. I'm also hard to find when I'm stealthily hidden in a classroom with people who are taller than me. In come cases, I've been mistaken for a speed bump. The good thing is that I'm usually not the one that slows down! Muhuhahahaaa!

Advantages to being height challenged? People automatically underestimate you. -This is definitely a good thing because it means you can take them by surprise! As a woman, this means you NEVER have to worry about dating someone who's shorter than you. ...not that this is a concern for me anymore for me. :P Also, we eat less. So, if there's ever a food shortage, guess what? The short will survive to inherit the earth!

My conclusion? Burn your heels and walk proud, my vertically challenged brethren! The world is there for our taking!

*I write out the measurements AND units because, like most science-oriented people, I think in meters, millimeters and micrometers. (Another topic for a different time.)

Spitting off the Peak of Mount Wannahockaloogie

2008-12-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

Warning: The following blog contains grossly explicit details of an organic nature. Read at your own risk!

The cold and flu season is now upon us, and I, like millions of other Homo sapiens on the planet have fallen victim to its deadly lysogenic cycle. (Egads! Lysogenic isn't even accepted on the spell checker!)

As I wetly squelch, cough and blow my way through a box of lotioned kleenex, I contemplate the etiquette and art of hocking a loogie. It was a much needed skill that my father taught me along side the proud art of making farting noises with my armpit. Even my dear beloved samurai can't spit one like I can.

Etiquette. Of hocking a loogie. At some point in our miserable disease-ridden state, any and ALL of us feel the desire to hack one up, don't we? Yet in our society of being prim and proper, it's better to drown in our own pathogenic juices and gag on our giant green balls of mucus than to just cough, hock and spit. We can't even do it in public bathrooms because of the echo!

What's more... when men spit one in public, it's socially frowned upon, but no one dwells on it. Yeah, it's a disgusting habit, but what else can you expect, right? Yet when a woman hocks the big one, she might as well release a loud atomic methane fart to go along with it since it wouldn't be any less shocking or...unnatural. *gasp* People don't EXPECT grossly biological noises from the supposedly more gentile sex, right? But... don't we have respiratory and digestive systems, too???

Needless to say, even my samurai feels a bit intimidated when I go into the bathroom in the morning and "do my thing," to the chagrin of the entire household since I can be so loud. But hey...when you've gotta hock a loogie, you've gotta hock a loogie! Might as well get it done and over with before...heaven forbid.... others find out about your phlegm!

Here's some interesting factioids on phlegm. I wikied this because I was morbidly curious as to why doctors are so interested in the color of your sputum. The next time you stare at that goopy, protein and pathogen laden lump of saliva-coated gel congealed at the bottom of your sink, think:

Clear or white = healthy unless you are in the early initial stages of sickness. In which case, your phlegm baby is not only clear, but infectious as well!

Yellow = tends to indicate a bacterial infection. Although this isn't always be the case.

Green = sign of infection

Green with red spots or rust red phlegm = signs of infection and possibly pneumonia! It's "rusty" means that you might be bleeding deep in there.

Bloody = first off, go to your doctor! You could have cancer, tuberculosis or something as "minor" as bronchitis. We aren't certified sputologists here, so it's important to get other tests done to make sure!

Brown and brownish grey = STOP SMOKING! That's only a sample of the crap that your body's trying to clear up from those cancer sticks your sucking on. Can we say, ewwwww?

The caption from wikipedia says: Phlegm with a Canadian quarter for scale.
No, this is NOT a picture my own personal phlegm. Mine's green right now if you really wanted to know...

This Crazy Little Thing Called Blogging

2008-12-05T18:13:00.001-08:00

Hopefully this will be the start of more blogs to come!

Throughout my life and my career, I've written many, many things; including stories, excerpts, personal reflections, and curriculum. Yes, I DID say curriculum. -As in terribly boring instructions on what to teach, how to teach and when to teach it. Without going into too much detail, I will say that I AM a sort of stodgy educator-type person who's written enough lesson plans to choke a starving beaver. I'm not proud of the fact that entire rain forests have died to my cause, but hey...you've gotta eat!

As to WHY I've started to blog? Several reasons really.
1. I've got lots to say. Not really sure who wants to hear it, but at this point, I don't care. Mentally speaking, I've got so much nervous energy in me that it's the equivalent of a neurotic dog chasing its tail. One day, I'll catch it. -And between you and me? I don't really want to. So....welcome to my outlet!

2. I've lived on myspace for almost four years now. -NOT as Yen, mind you... but as my alter ego. I'll introduce her later. But I feel it's time to stop hiding behind her shadow and "come out" into the open, so to speak. I need room to grow, meet new people and a gather a following.

3. I want fans! ...not the kind that you use to cool off. I want the kind that inspire, challenge and fire you into the realm of pure mental satisfaction! (Please...get your mind out of the gutter.... ;P) I want the fans that love my writing and just starve/crave for more! As my alter ego, I've had a small... (when I mean small, I mean...minuscule) following, and I liked it. Is it wrong to be so power hungry? ...is writing for the masses really called power hungry? Meh, so be it. I'll be a tyrant if I can get fans.

4. There are voices in my head. Stories...plotlines....goofy anecdotes...movie scenes and just random pieces of thoughts that scream and keep me awake at night, begging to be immortalized on this temporary electronic "diary" of sorts. Time to give them a voice. Maybe then, I'll be able to sleep at night without pacing around restlessly while battle scenes play out in my psyche.

5. Lastly, it's because I'm a forgetful person. One day, I'll forget little things, like whether or not I brushed my teeth or combed my hair. -Or even what I did last night or last week! Heaven forbid, but this blog could be my last hope for remembering to feed the dog in the morning... or putting coffee grounds in the coffee maker before turning the thing on. ...and yes, I know that there are all sorts of organizers for this, but you can never find enough places to put records of your thoughts and ideas when one day, it'll be all you have.

Okay...one last reason. I got this advice from reading Duane Swierczynski's interview on Newsarama. You see... one day, I want to aspire to be like that...in my own way. He said that you have to make a writing goal every day. Well, here it is: Blogging 101. Writing goal for the day: COMPLETE!

So that would put me at... a couple more thousand to go! WOOT!